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男人心痛的感觉

2012-01-22T02:13:00.003+08:00

女：我要的是你给不了的。

男：你跟我讲，你要我做什么？我可以为你改变。我愿意什么都为你。

There's some truth in the dramatic cliche exchange. Many times, it's the failure to meet expectations. A mismatch. Sometimes downright unlucky in meeting the wrong person and falling for the wrong person.

I don't even know the point of this post.

Except, I feel for the guy. And sometimes the role can be switched too. You know?

It's always this that I'm most afraid to feel. A whole mess of intangibles beyond control. I rather save the trouble sometimes.

心痛不如不痛。不爱就不痛。

There's no in between. Friends, lovers. You can't hang in between these two and pretend life is happy. It's tiring, right? The place of no-place. Hanging in limbo.

爱而已吗，有这样特别吗？ That's how I lie to myself that all I need is myself.

At this rate, my skepticism will start cementing the walls I have built around myself.

Perceptions of the University life

2012-01-20T23:26:00.000+08:00

Taking away some of the privileges in life, I am surprised at my own sensibility and adaptability in adjusting myself to live humbly. The best part is, while introspecting, I'd realised I have even found some optimism in the situation. To many, taking the public transport has become a part of life. It has been a part of my life since Secondary school as well. Only that, I'd be blessed with much ferrying about by my mom because she reckoned she could do anything just to make us feel a bit more comfortable than we already are. So I'd sailed through 4 years taking the bus, then another 2 years taking the bus, while witnessing my brother having a car to call his own. I vaguely remember a promise that I would somehow have my own cute little lady car to drive if I do get into University. That was then.

After gaining admission into University, I have acquired my own driving license. But not a vehicle to call my own. How many lucky children really get to drive their own cars to school, seriously? Each time I stepped into my mom's car, I would think of how grateful I am to be behind the wheel, at this age, especially. I couldn't fathom a car of my own at this age, honestly, as much as it would make life more luxurious and comfortable than it already has been for me.

With a turn of events, I stopped driving to school for this semester. I secretly enjoyed having some personal time to catch up on leisure reading while taking the train. The good 7 minutes walk to and fro the station, I pictured building a good stamina for climbing. Honestly, I think I'm crazy to find something good in everything that I do. I enjoyed not having to deal with traffic. Because I always believed in not worrying about something I didn't have control over. And, I didn't have control over the traffic. But it often made me late. Driving to school was supposed to save time, increase efficiency you know. But it has backfired. I'm glad I'm not driving this sem. I'm glad to strip away all the nonsense teasing I get from driving to school. I'm quite tired. I'm not that special. I'm not spoilt. I still function equally well with more simplicity in life.

As my mom was watching a random show on television, she remarked about simple people caring about siblings and having true concern for each other. She pictured building a stable financial foundation for us, and our cousins, and that we would grow up and build our own corporate paradise as a large family. Such huge dreams and big shoes to fill. She used to often talk about my coldness and nonchalance as I became more educated. I couldn't see the reason why she'd think that way. As if education would make a person's moral values disappear gradually. She said the more educated a person becomes, the more selfish he would be. And she was seeing that in me. I was obviously feeling that it was a very absurd and unreasonable perception she had of me.

But then, over these past months of being in where the real higher education is, I start feeling and seeing so much more. I start understanding. I felt for myself the reason why she made that comment. It was all over, all around. Even if I told myself to believe in the good side, it was there. Face value. A fact. You didn't have to analyse it, nor think critically about the matter. It was everywhere, in everyone. Something about higher education and the transformational process we all go through.

I have always been particularly annoyed with peers who die also refuse to let others know their marks. I bitch about it, and then forget about it. It's innate in everyone of us to compare. The theory of relativity. The whole bell curve system? That's the essence of relativity. Aside from my pet peeve - people and their mysterious CAP scores, I have been on this arduous journey in seeking sincere people out of this sea of talent. Everyone around me is brimming with intelligence. Intellectual stimulating conversations become a norm. But it's been so hard, finding someone simple, sincere and down-to-earth. Everyone we meet is internally judged in our system of how useful this person is to our own selfish needs.
I am reminded of how my mom always remind me to not despise people without education, because education kills the humanity in us. I believe she is referring to this right now. Where I am right now, in this place of official higher education, all of us have regressed in our personal education.

I am disappointed.

I came to University to seek clarity and purpose, to strive in higher goals. To find my own calling.
Not to a place of selfish people, seeking every mean, to put someone below, just to be higher. Everyone becomes quantifiable by their CAP score, somehow. So much so that the content of character is directly proportional to this particular score. Every thing and every one is talking about is competition. In climbing, in studying. Everything.

It's not competition I seek.

It's fulfillment. It's betterment. Sometimes I wonder, where do we go from here? After good grades, after more money, then what?
We have lost ourselves.

I don't want to lose myself in this journey of higher education.
I'd gladly sacrifice some CAP 5 to retain this humanity in me, in all earnestness of bumping into another sincere person who thinks likewise. I still have some positivity. It's not that bleak, maybe it'll get better, or worse, I can't say for sure. But I do know for sure, that if I were given a chance to strip away everything in life right now? The first thing I'd screw, is results. Because it makes us forget that we were born to love and care for others, regardless of money. Suddenly the Civics and Moral Education we had in Primary school seems more applicable in University.

Think Different

2012-01-10T21:29:00.001+08:00

I've always tried to think big. Literally. Putting myself on top of everything. Feeling the best I can be. It may not mean putting others down. But I see myself moving up. Always on top of the whole schema of things.

I came across something that inspired a little change in the mindset. Thinking big, sometimes may not necessarily bring you far. It's thinking different, that makes you the outlier. Everyone thinks big. Everyone has gone on the increasingly fast treadmill. But how many actually dares to step off the treadmill? In Physics, the person has achieved zero displacement. The track moves, but the machine stays. The person runs, but the person, has in fact, not moved to a new place.

Stagnation.

One by one, we all hop onto the treadmill, increasing the speeds, showing off the vitality of youth, the agility in the legs, the fitness of an athlete.

If we were all given the same set of tools again, what would you create?

I cannot even let my imagination run. I've lost my creativity. I don't know how else to re-create. Why try seeking for something different without even knowing the boundaries of 'different'? It's precisely because of that, that we always take a step back again, back onto the treadmill. No matter how tiresome, we step back and continue on it, because at least we know, we'll never veer off into the unknown.

Biscuits

2012-01-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

I feel a bit like you. Giving without returns. But somehow, conscience hurts a bit when reciprocation falls much shorter than even the basic requirements. I seriously lol-ed at myself for the illogical behaviour I don't usually have. I don't know how to even go about describing that feeling. That you ought to know better than that, yet, you just can't help yourself. And then you followed your heart. And then you felt hurt. I think this is being honest with oneself. Sometimes truth in reality does hurt. But we must not avoid seeking truth. I think if I replayed the whole scenario again, and knowing how the dots connect in the end, I would still do likewise. I guess that's the complexity of human emotions.

I was just thrown off guard. But I'll pick myself up again. There's a better tomorrow.

Post Gravical 2012

2012-01-07T21:26:00.002+08:00

Honestly, the open women climbers made it look so easy. My stand still holds strong that I haven't reached their level yet, and I'm glad I'm still staying in this category. Actually today's routes felt as if they were a repeat of Pumpfest 2009 when the intermediate women category a bit failed or performed under Tonde's expectations. It could be because the girls really aren't up to par yet. I guess the girls really have a long way to go before reaching international standards, plus, not many as compared to the men, are as dedicated to hardcore training. I dare say for myself I ain't obsessed yet. Just passionate, not obsessed.

Feelings? I felt strong. I felt confident. But the wall threw me off. It cut me. It wounded me. It pumped me out so hard. I admit I didn't have a good start. First the announcer said we had 5 minutes before the commencement of the first detail of climbers. So we made our way to the wall. Before 30 seconds were up, suddenly, the announcer said we only had 1 minute left. I think it screwed my mind up because I haven't mentally psyched myself and planned the routes yet. Basically fumbling with wearing the tight Scarpas just in time to run into the grounds. Sigh. I didn't even have time for a pep talk to myself, or the rest of the girls. To me, the mental is so much so much more important than the physical performance on that day. It's my strongest aspect, and I didn't have the opportunity to fully exploit it. We all learn right? Through the hard way. The ever optimistic me is already looking forward to Boulderactive 2012. And, heh, Climb X.

Content

2012-01-06T15:37:00.000+08:00

The new school term beckons in a couple of days time. I spent some time these few days, idling about, counting my blessings, and making mental notes of how I would like to be for the new semester.
On top of that, I had some re-runs of the things I've done and smile to myself because I'd been silly. The process of growing occurs so fast that I'd been able to reflect and take a step back, giving the whole thing an overview, only to realise the naivety of my previous self, within such a short period of time.

You know, if we'd this mindset that every new month is like a new year, we'd be so charged throughout the year to start afresh, to remember our little goals, to remember to hang in there, and achieve what we'd set out to do. We start the year all determined to be the perfect goal-driven person, but end up on a downward slippery slope of a lack of enthusiasm and major procrastination as the year cumulates. And at the end of the year, we realised we haven't really achieved what we'd intended to. Sloppy attitude.

I've gotta readjust some of my priorities with school activities. Poking my hand into many things only divert the finite amount of attention I have. No more working part time and no more taking part in case competitions. With Boulderactive 2012 and renovation of the new place, I think it'd just be perfect to complement my studies.

We'd started some shopping for the interior decoration of the place. The 6 months will fly by. I'm hanging in between modern and european theme. Although there's still time, I ought to go about getting some inspiration and ideas. Not exactly the most creative person, I still hope to create another paradise of my own.

What's there to complain about in life when we're kept productive and busy? And amongst all these, I still devote that little time to improve on myself. It has got nothing to do with anyone. I just like to be a better person. I don't expect the world to become a better place, nor expect people to become nice overnight. I just need myself to not stay stagnant.
Which, I think is a blessing in disguise that I've not renewed my season parking for the new school term. Because I will spend those pockets of time travelling, reading for such knowledge.

Dream Catalogue

2012-01-04T16:04:00.004+08:00

It's not frequent that I remember my dreams, yet there are 2 dreams fresh in my mind even after I'm back to my conscious state.

The dream that I had when I was sleeping last night was a really scary near-death experience. I was with someone whom I don't remember, and we were apparently in a construction ground. Suddenly a huge crane came towards us from high up above, with razors at the end. I remember ducking to the ground, bracing myself for death. The seconds slipped by, the sounds were extremely close, yet nothing happened. I was still alive. I woke up. I've never had such dreams before. The feeling of death felt so close.

Just now as I was taking an afternoon nap, which I seldom do also, I had a dream that happened in a movie theatre. I had apparently booked 2 tickets for myself and another person. Then, when it was time for the movie, Nel and Nah turned up and joined me without even paying for the tickets. While the other person I booked the ticket for, didn't. I kept thinking to myself, did I not mention the movie and its timing? Why isn't the person here? Why? Maybe I most likely didn't. Sigh. And I woke up.

I have a feeling these dreams will stay in my mind for a pretty long while seeing that I still haven't forgotten them till now. When dreams happen, they happen at such rapid intervals. When they don't, they stay dormant for a long while.

Above the usual

2012-01-03T13:37:00.003+08:00

For the short 20 minutes airbone, I felt like I was in a place faraway. A place where reality fuzzes out and dreams take its place. Between the fluff and you, was simply a little glass window. You could almost reach out your hand to touch it. But knowing science, even if there wasn't a little glass window that divides dreams from reality, your hand would just flow right through it, almost as if it didn't exist. Simple sights created by nature takes my breath away, especially when I least expect it to. Just a plane ride, and I felt like I was being transported into another world.

We indulge in movies particularly, to take us into another world. The escapist in us showing itself time to time in the books we read and in the movies we grace. I never had that side to me. Or perhaps, I never see myself to be one.

But just this holiday season, I wished for myself to be away in another world, with nothing else and no one else, but the majestic nature and its sounds.

2012

2011-12-29T01:40:00.001+08:00

I will take up this challenge for the next 30 days of the new year that's arriving.

Let go of one relationship that constantly hurts you. – Keep people in your life who truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, enhance you, and make you happy. If you know people who do none of these things, let them go and make room for new positive relationships. Over the next 30 days, if relevant to your situation, gradually let go of one person in your life who has been continuously hurting you and holding you back.

I'll link the source if you're curious about this.

Words are easy, and I know it's hard. But I've finally found the reason to let go.

Christmas dinner

2011-12-27T00:18:00.003+08:00

My mom and I initially wanted to have a buffet dinner and I cleverly suggested Rise at MBS. When we arrived there at 6.30p.m, we were told they'd ran out of seats and would only have available seats at 9p.m! Incredible. We walked around aimlessly around The Shoppes, with my mom clearly disappointed because she wanted a buffet dinner for the whole night to stuff herself silly but slowly. Alas, we came across this restaurant, Yu Cuisine, serving Chinese cuisine and she decided she wouldn't mind. Since I always bug her to eat either French or Italian at MBS, I decided to give Chinese cuisine a try.

Drunken prawns

Xiao long bao in lobster bisque

Lobster steamed in yellow wine

After the simple dinner made up of just prawns and lobsters, we were satiated. Walked around The Shoppes without any aim, just to digest the full stomachs. Came out of the mall, and the grand city lights greeted us. The whole night sky filled with skyscrapers; the pride of Singapore.
The floating Louis Vuitton caught my eye, I mean, duh, who wouldn't see the huge-ass building by itself on the waters? Decided to act attas and go in. Well, the both of us were pretty well dressed anyway when we stepped in because I saw a lot of Singaporeans decked in slippers in the outlet. Sigh.

My mom apparently went a bit bonkers, suggesting we buy shades. She was so enthusiastic about it. S$600-700 for a pair of shades, seriously? Lao niang haven't felt like money dropped from sky yet.
When we were at the entrance of LV heading back into The Shoppes, they had a lot of collections of various books. We literally spent a good half hour flipping through the architecture and interior collections. Haha, what cheapos.

My high metabolism steered my body to walk in the direction for more food, or desserts. We went into High Society. I wanted to try their cupcakes, for the sake of comparing with Pammy's. But I couldn't bring myself to pay S$6 for just one when I know the ingredients and cost in making one. Damn. Thinking back, maybe I should have just tried. I mean, hi Pam, the lemon cupcake was literally screaming at me "BUY MEEEE EAT MEEEE!" but I had good control. In the end, settled for a glass of white wine, and a slice of cake with 66% dark chocolate and hazelnut that costs $9. See, I should have bought cupcakes too right? Since I was splurging on food anyway.

I realised that the French and Italians, to me, have a secret charm. That bit of elusiveness, mysteriousness and almost like a cut above the rest. I want to learn more about their language, their way of life. Just to close the gap. Reminds me of a moment when I was dining at an Italian restaurant at Robertson Quay, and the waiter, an Italian guy, was so interested in me and even asked for my number. He even had long hair and it was tied up neatly. I think that would have driven many girls crazy. But sadly, I'm not part of that gang. He even gave me a house pour white wine ON DA HOUSE yo. How lucky. And that was like... 3 years back? Lol. My xmm charm. Oh ya so what was I talking before I was indulging in myself?

Seriously, I can't believe the year is over. Singlehood beckons, every year.

Just a little bit

2011-12-25T00:40:00.002+08:00

Hurt.

Have a merry merry christmas!

Have I mentioned? My all time favourite christmas song is Last Christmas by Wham.

And you know why, because every year I wish for the same special thing. But only this happens:
I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.

I laughed at myself in naivety. Sometimes I can't help myself from caring too much. Oh dear.

It's just another special day. New year will be likewise. CNY will be another time again. Aye aye aye.

We bought a zoo

2011-12-23T01:08:00.002+08:00

That's the movie Pam and I caught today.

My plan was to grace the grand opening of GV at 112 Katong. But I was pretty disappointed at how there's no special celebration of sorts to commemorate the opening. Lousy marketing. I think GV could have done way more to gather the crowds, especially when a lot of working adults are clearing their leave during the festive period, I'm definitely sure their theatres would be full if they'd took the opportunity to market their opening with more events tied together. Think of adults, students, kids and senior citizens, all free during this period!

Anyhow, I like to rant to Pam about how people who live in Katong are either too rich or have too much time. Because when we go 112, either of us would be driving, and then, there would be a lot, i swear, a lot, of parents bringing their kids to the mall, in big luxurious cars, at random times of a week day when they should be working. No need work one meh??? Then, you might be thinking, it's a taitai, no need to work, so can bring kids out. But no, it's a WHOLE family outing. Wonder who's bringing in the dough? Amazing rich families hiding around in Katong area I swear.

Back to the movie. It had a simple storyline about a dad bringing up 2 kids on his own after his wife's passing. Coping with loss, and raising a teenage son can be taxing for a dad. It was touching. Pam cried uncontrollably.

I had a random flashback to my childhood. I realised I grew up without much material items or toys. The only one luxury both my brother and I had was our Playstation and limited Lego. We didn't have boxes and boxes of Lego. Just 2 sets, which I've kept till now. I remember how I was crazy over Beyblades and Tamiya cars and my dad would lie to me. Lie, because I know that it's not possible. I guess it was a white lie. But why lie? When I pestered for a car, just a car, to bring to race at the tracks, he would say he can build one for me. When I wanted the tracks, he said he could buy the metal and make it for me. Sigh. Lies that adults can come up with. I was always hoping to be able to build the biggest track ever for my non-existent Tamiya cars.

But thanks to his un-spoiling ways of bringing us up, we spent most of our childhood playing with whatever we could find. I was pretty creative then, and made my own kite from cardboard and thread. I used all of the thread at home and brought my kite out of the house. I remembered I started running, against the wind, and slowly letting my home-made kite go. It started flying, and as it flew, it got higher and higher. That kind of joy cannot be bought with money. The tugging of the thread as the kite got higher, so high that I ran out of thread and the kite was still high up in the sky. That gave me so much satisfaction as a kid. I was practically using all my strength to hold the kite down because of the strong winds. And I begged my brother to make another kite with me, this time, bigger, and with a much longer thread. But he refused.

Then, when the computer craze started, we had one too. Throughout my computer years, I remember building my own CPU after it consistently crashed. The power adaptor would fail, then I would rummage through the spare parts and fix another one, then to make it run faster, I would add more RAM. That's where I got hands on opening up the whole CPU and figuring what goes where. Lucky for his un-spoiling ways again, I became more tech savvy than more girls I know would be.

Sometimes, not being too rich or too poor, can be a blessing in disguise.

Living in satisfaction, sometimes feeling that life can be hard, makes me appreciate the good life I have at other times.

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.
A quote straight out from the movie. A principle that has guided his life through many many years.

Pot of belly

2011-12-21T11:57:00.000+08:00

What was supposed to be a dinner night out at the year end turned into a food spree to various places and finally concluded to be a christmas celebration for us, PTJR. I will just conveniently leave out the C cos'... you know, i know, we all know. ;p

Pam baked really nice butter cookies with a smear of chocolate on em'. I'd wanted to take a dirty picture of it but no more left. Oops. We had swedish food for dinner at Haji Lane and it was goood. I wondered why when I woke up this morning, the images of those food were the first to appear in my mind. The pasta bake and meatballs were super good!

Next we proceeded to have some ice cream at Island Creamery. As if it wasn't enough, we walked further down after the ice cream to have some cupcakes at Cupcakes Engineer. The shop had a really cool interior.

Now, you might probably think the night ends here. But, thinking it was still too early, we continued to Holland Village. Pam's virgin trip there. We went to Overtime to get some drinks. And lucky us, there was a live band! The Starker beer was pretty good, my type of beer, not gassy or bitter. I couldn't help myself but be amused at the singer who was a bit plump and showed off one side of her shoulders. So cute! She had quite an impish face as well. Adorable. I'm not being sarcastic but it was really damn cute with the one side show of the shoulders. Hehehe. And her voice was good. The keyboardist whom Ruby thinks look like Mas Selamat also had a deep low voice for classic guy songs. Think the likes of Ronan Keating.

I had too much beer, and it was my first time getting tipsy on beer. Hahahaha. Too bad, I'm still logical and sane. Unlike Tan, prancing around talking nonsense.

What a food spree. We pigs unite!

Back to December

2011-12-18T00:46:00.000+08:00

I've had a really good rejuvenating trip away from all the hustle and bustle in Singapore. For the premium that we've paid, I think it was really worth it. I'll worry about earning that back again in time to come. I was fortunate to find a book to keep myself entertained from the 3rd day onwards at the guest house in Chiangmai. Love how tourists put up those books to share. That's the way knowledge should be right, pass it on. The book is called "Journey Without Goal: The Tantric Wisdom of the Buddha". It was such a complimenting experience to the way I pictured myself relaxing and disconnecting from the world back here. Although I felt myself going into a different world altogether every night when I read a few chapters just before I slept, I felt more surreal in the place, immersing myself fully in a totally different environment and adapting to it very quickly.

Spiritually, I feel more wholesome. It was a really well deserved break. The reconnection with nature and its sounds remind me of the peace that I've been seeking in some of the zen books I've been reading back in Singapore. As if I'm trying to achieve the state of still water... occasionally creating ripples when thrown with stones and pebbles and settling back to the still state again after a while. Similar to the calmness despite troubles, worries and criticisms. I really appreciate the beauty of nature, with the majestic strong currents created by waterfalls, the coolness of the high altitude, and the beautiful plantations created by pure hard work and the efforts of the villagers living up in the mountains. I'm blessed to be able to deepen my insights as I pay attention to the country, the culture and its people with their various practices. Soaking everything like a sponge... I wished I had more knowledge to appreciate the place even more.

My favourite picture from the trip!

As I return to Singapore, back to the month of December, I was reminded of the epic dramas I've experienced with Nel during this very same period last year. And how quickly time has just flown by... and we've yet again grown up with those experiences. Office & its politics didn't break me, it just made me stronger. Although I wouldn't want to be in the eye of the tornado again, I'm glad to have experienced that to grow up with a greater sense of maturity, to know the realness of the world.

December used to be a season of love for me. I thought it was the mood for love. But it's been pretty much the season of giving these recent years. Ah, overrated-ness. I think my life's changing quite a bit.

我宁愿回到一个人生活

As if this particular song with its lyrics speaking my innermost thoughts, deep down even without me knowing.Startlingly real.

Catalog

2011-11-30T00:24:00.001+08:00

I have an unhealthy desire for answers where they can’t be found.

Music may be a carrier for our memories, a harbor for our deepest feelings, and a catalyst for the emergence of both.

Deafening Silence

2011-11-29T00:21:00.001+08:00

Words that become a fast blur.
Taking in only the forms,
But not the meaning.
Actually,
Not everything needs a close read.
Even a blur,
Can form music on its own.

Heart-throb

2011-11-25T19:48:00.001+08:00

There is no measure of time with you that is long enough, let's start with forever.

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you....
Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or
lost you?

Scents & Attraction

2011-11-21T11:04:00.001+08:00

I had the luxury of time to go through a 4 page article regarding our attraction to others in relation to the natural body scent they are giving off. Ironic with the use of such time when I have a paper coming up in 2 days.

This is by far one of the most detailed article I have read regarding this topic. I vaguely know of the factors that play a part in the attraction I feel towards people. Before I had any idea, I thought I was the only one playing by the nose. And it's a realisation coupled with knowledge that it is actually a natural instinct to sniff out people and determine how attracted we are to whoever they are.

Throughout the article, it's referring to heterosexual couples and their nasal attraction. But I wonder, what about homosexuals? Being of the same sex would translate to more similar MHC genes? And if that's the case, as pointed out by the article, the higher the similarity, the more unattracted we would be to the other party. As distinct as scents might be, people of the same gender would more likely have a more similar set of MHC genes right? Then why the fatal attraction for them? Fatal as in doomed by our social conditions.

Behind the superficiality of deodorants, after-shaves, perfumes & colognes, the best time to whiff the most natural scent someone has is the moment he/she wakes up from a night's sleep. But to get to that stage, you have to be in a close relationship. And then comes the next part of the question, what if you are put off by that natural scent when you are in a close relationship? The emotions will mess up the ability to function by instincts that "he's/she's not the right one for me". Funny how these items are actually driving the sexual aggression by our society. Maybe that's why we are much more impulsive to get physically closer to whom we thought we were attracted to, to determine the suitability of our partners before we actually commit to a marriage.

A lingering thought, that sometimes I look like I'm better off studying psychology. And double degree is damn 凶 for me if I pursued what I'm doing now and up the ante with an arts degree. Shit. Why the pre A levels of me thought everything was achievable, till now when I'm really in it, I feel it. And boy, it's not easy.

The Night Sky

2011-11-20T11:35:00.001+08:00

These two friends of mine made a surprising visit to my new place, fitting into whatever available space there was. Since it was a special occasion, we went out to celebrate whatever there was to it, with a good meal at Paradise Inn. Having the car at my dispense made everything felt so much more grown up. As I turned into the carpark at Big Splash, a sudden pang of adulthood hit me. I came to this very same place just 2 years back, with Wayne and all his friends, and they were all at least 6 years and more, older than I was. Treading this memory lane with Nah and Nel made it seem a bit nostalgic but all the more valuable that we were coming of age, finally. Funny how Nel mentions she'd prefer chilling at a bar with good music and beer rather than clubbing, which I had been preferring since many years back. Wonder why I skipped the whole partying phase together as well.

To many things I'd say 'been there, done that' before some of the peers, but last night's was a first.

The three of us, arms draped over each other, hands linked, heads rested on shoulders, as we stood at the breaking waters of the sea in the night sky. Soaking in the sounds of crashing waves against the shore, staring out into the distance with blinking lights emitted from the ships, purely enjoying each other's company without words.

5 years, a mile stone. Amazing how long I've known these 2 fellas, since I was 13 years old. And I don't know why I was part of the 5 years journey. Hahaha. We've crossed multiple paths, and yet through all the ups and downs, we are back at the same point here. Crossroads and distance, you don't need to have all the same interests and to be in the same schools to treasure friendships.

It transcends that.

Value your self worth

2011-11-18T16:08:00.001+08:00

Nothing grabs my attention as much as works directed and devoted to personal development. The introspective nature of mine has guided me to devouring many works centred around productive living. I feel that it is one aspect that is fully in my control and cannot be taken away no matter how the world changes.

Everything around us is constantly evolving. People are getting smarter, technology keeps driving things forward and there is only that finite amount of knowledge we can store in our minds about certain things. But I have always believed in one thing, that no amount of formal education can replace the education that one intends to have for a life. That education is so much more important, but not emphasized in our hectic lives. That education doesn't use quantitative measures and qualify numbers like Intelligence Quotient does. It is this particular education of growing ourselves internally that thrives the most in all of my devotion to learning.

I don't believe that the smartest person in the world, capable of performing calculations at the speed of light would be the happiest and most contented person unless he learns to develop his inner self as well.

Our education system may be a measure of the success of one's life, in material terms. But how much is ever enough? We are always demanding for more. More money. Faster cars. Bigger houses. More love. More holidays. More this, and more that. It is an undeniable aspect of human nature.

Why are we never content?

The drive to want more is healthy. It would be worrying if one stops having this zest for life. That maybe just having this is enough, or maybe that would suffice. The world would stop progressing. And that's disastrous. We need to keep moving on, we need to keep improving ourselves. But, not at the expense of our happiness.

I have met many capable people around, intelligent, bright, full of wit, athletic, musically-inclined, you name it, I've seen it.

But how many truly happy people have I met in my life? That despite all the troubles and unique wars each and everyone of us faces every single day, he, still radiates like a sunshine.
Rare, it is, really, so rare.

I am still so far off in this journey of personal development... but I like the progress of it. The awareness of knowing what's good and right for the soul. There really isn't a quantifiable measure of how much there is to learn, only the wholeness of the mind and the positivity to regain the balance after a few knocks in life.

There is only so much that people can offer, but true happiness comes from within.

I'm still learning, and I really enjoy devoting time to explore this no matter how busy I am. It keeps me rooted. It keeps me sane. It reminds me to value my self worth. Because... the world can be so crazy sometimes. And amidst this craziness, I can put a smile to my face, knowing that the sun will still shine the next day.

New

2011-11-16T15:12:00.001+08:00

You know what I love best about myself? Knowing that when I open my eyes to a new day, every pain becomes less obvious, less haunting, almost as if it had left itself out in the distance away from me.

It's quite scary how my mind conditions itself to bounce back just like that. Really. Even I am a bit too amazed by how fast it thinks its way out of the maze.

Endless amounts of positivity, wish I could share.

The constant reminder that no matter how much pain I put myself through, it's still down the same path through time, why not make it easier for myself and everyone around me to just be contented, because that's how we all started out to be. We came here with nothing, and we are going to be leaving with nothing. There really isn't much holding on so hard onto something. Coming and going. A way of life.

But making mistakes is part of life's imperfection

Is it so wrong to be human after all?

React or act?

2011-11-16T04:29:00.001+08:00

I am like a cultured plant who gets battered in the rain, and thrives in sunlight when the sun is up. I react so much to external factors, as if I depended on them to shape who I am.

I know I cannot keep reacting to all of these.

I need to start acting for myself.

Sometimes I really pride myself too much on my optimism, but being only human, I cannot carry through. It's so hard... and heavy, along this journey alone.

It's making me weak.
It's hurting me deep.
Boy, I am only human.
I've got my pride, I will not cry.
But I did.

And as I did, I was reminded of what you said, that it hurts so much more for your mom to see you cry because no mom would want to see her daughter cry.

There is really no way in being protected under the wings, because one day, I will have to learn how to fly. I will fall and sometimes it's going to be harder on other days, but I have to learn. And it hurts, and I know why it hurts, because it's the kind of hurt that I've been seeking, and the hurt that my mom has been trying to keep me away from. I'm sorry but this time, I'm on my own.
I need to grow, and hurting so much, is part of growing.

Screen

2011-11-15T14:10:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you have been quite lost in the chase, that stark reminders lurk in the darkness, show itself suddenly, yelling that you should be keeping away. But, they are all just mind games in itself and assumptions of a single party. What should I do?

Tugging the strings of the heart,
sometimes lifting,
sometimes lugging.

Shoving under the rug, resuming studying. Best way to let time pass on its own and avoid matters altogether. Way to go.

Eyes

2011-11-15T12:16:00.001+08:00

I was wondering how much do you give away with just the eyes? Daring to look at a person straight into the eyes conveys a sense of confidence and self esteem of one, yet, mastering the act of doing this and not actually staring requires some form of intuitive experience. On the other side, why would you feel shy looking at the person's eyes of whom you fancy? When you start becoming self conscious more than you want to, when the subconscious part of you takes on auto pilot and shifts the gaze away. It's quite a telling sign that your body is saying yes, as much as your logical mind is denying.
How many times do you catch yourself looking away just as your eyes meet for a split second?

Ah, hate it how I'm so aware of both the conscious and subconscious states of my mind. It's a constant battle in there doing what I should be doing and controlling what my body automatically wants to do. So much subtleties yet I pick them out like a little bug-picker.

Which brings me to my next point. I have had two consecutive peaceful nights without waking up to the itch on my limbs, and when I try to soothe these itches, I meet swelling patches like huge mozzie bites. Gone. All of these, GONE. I am sleeping far too much now, even with the glaring sun's light in my face, I somehow just manage to sleep it through into the noon. Good, and not good. Damn you exams. But it also means my body's recharging far more efficiently.

As I was climbing and doing routes I thought would be my peak, I somehow, managed to do them with some ease. It's a sign. I'm improving. I need to break the mental barrier that I'm not just limited to whatever grade I tell myself that I should be at. Try it on lead. Feels like a breakthrough is coming. I made my first dynamic legs cut loose move on a highwall yesterday. Wonder where I got the balls from. But it's making me smile.

Little nuggets of happiness

2011-11-14T00:11:00.001+08:00

Slowly moving up Maslow's hierarchy of needs as I become more settled into the AMK environment and the convenience of this location.

As you can tell, this little blog here has been revamped. Quite therapeutic for me when I visit it just to soak in the atmosphere. I wished I had more inspiration to pour more writings into this beautiful thing.

I was reading Sumiko's column in The Sunday Times about happiness. I could relate a whole lot about how little things would suffice to making one feel happy. I'm so much happier than I was two days back, when everything was in a mess, and I was in so much of a pain dealing with the itch every night, and the lack of companionship, as if I was going through everything all alone.

That was a chunkful.

Even though the pest control team came and took the place down and soaked it thoroughly with chemical, I still experience some bites. It's pretty torturous to the mind, if it continues, I'm afraid I'm going to start developing other side effects like thinking bugs are crawling even when there are none. There will be a second treatment again a week later. I'm hopeful.

For now, I'm just contented and happy that I have a proper place to study. I feel like I have to do my study table and place justice by doing well in my exams. Thankful for a nice environment even though it's merely a small flat to go by. If not for the bedbugs, actually, a small flat is conducive for a small family to develop stronger bonds.

If I really had more money in future to invest in properties, I would never buy a huge landed property. I have lived from 3000sqft to a mere 700sqft now, and honestly, it's not the bigger the house, the happier I become. Just comfortable living with the right amount of love inside, is all about it to make a happy household.

So much ups and downs in my life, I really treasure things that just flow and go along with little hiccups. Right now? I will be happier without the bugs. Just the bugs. Damn it.

Settled

2011-11-12T21:23:00.001+08:00

You can only be as pathetic as your mind makes it up to be. The world still continues revolving despite all that you're facing.

There were many moments of solitude as I spend them away from home, away from family.

As I spend these moments alone, fighting the devil of emotions with the courage and will of the mind, I know I am growing stronger and tougher inside. Physical fatigue can be erased with sleep. Mental fatigue can be coped with positivity. Emotional fatigue with comfort.

I have been pretty desperate the past week with the shift and bedbug infestation. Help seemed so far away from those I'd expect the most from. Yet again, I've emerged through this wreck, knowing that there are some people you can depend on. Very thankful for having such a great mom to do things all out of the way just to make me feel a little better, appreciative of little gestures from friends offering their accommodations while I roamed around like a soul-less ghost as if the candle almost flickered out on its own.

You know they say, you see the truest of friends in the hardest of times. I have and it has touched my heart and broken it in some ways.

Inner Voice says

2011-11-11T16:33:00.002+08:00

To have realistic expectations - Not a pillar of emotional support.

To be prepared for emotional ups and downs - Normal process of coming to terms with the change in life.

To take it slow - Build up a reserve of comfort, trust and pleasantries. Never turn to emotional dependency.

To have patience - Take each day as it comes and dig into this deep reserve of patience to deal with emotional ups and downs. Act as a pillar of emotional support. Give more than receive.

Ultimately, taking care of yourself first will enable you to care for others.

Start loving the real me, caring for me, being happy for me.

Then start giving, and not expecting returns.

Inside

2011-11-10T23:31:00.004+08:00

The sinking feeling of having your second guesses turning into reality really hit me hard. Even though I'd expected it, you know, humans being humans, we always really don't want it to happen even though at the back of our minds, the thought lingers.

Only 2 nights and he'd started to voice out his displeasure. Sigh. How could you be so heartless?

There's always the easy way out of a relationship, a break up, a divorce. But where's the way out of sibling ties? Why am I constantly at the bad end of it all. I don't understand what I'd done to deserve whatever I am getting now.

You know

2011-11-10T01:21:00.003+08:00

You know you have been very spoilt and sheltered when you take public transport, just like everyone else, you get comments that it's a rarity. You know you can't get used to new environments when all that you find comfort is right now, is really, nothing. You know you are too distracted by all life's events that the arrival of exams in a week's time seem to not trigger any source of anxiety.

"Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain"

I really reminisce all the past beautiful houses I have proudly called home once too many times.

Is it really true that 男人你应该去了解他，女人你应该去爱她？

There is no living in now, because every second passes and history is constantly just a second ago. Interesting theory that seems a bit beautiful and quirky.

Ache

2011-11-07T23:12:00.003+08:00

My heart aches so badly. The constricting feeling inside when I withhold all the feelings building up, tears welling up occasionally, but I swallow all of them back down. It's not the right moment to crumble now, the mind's a clutter, along with the physical mess. My world's upside down and I don't feel right.

Even the once comforting bed cannot offer solace for the soul. I need a refuge... but where? I'm hiding so far behind, I can't seem to find it anywhere, at all.

It's such a depressing post. FML for having to take on responsibilities like a man sometimes, really. It's not that I want to be a superwoman, I don't have a choice. I'm too tough outside too soft inside, by circumstances, not by choice.

I just want to be a 小女人. I need to whine, bitch, cry about nothing, truly like a girl but I can't. Sigh.

Closure

2011-11-03T21:05:00.004+08:00

I have finally gone about packing up all my things, which really isn't much. Bits and pieces lying around here and there which I have forgotten all about. Funny how the mind forgets when it wants to...especially when my memory is pretty good at remembering little moments.

I cleared the depths of the drawer and found a necklace made on 11.12.08 and at that moment, I was like "wow, I have absolutely forgotten about this" and it went into another drawer of all the other sentimental things. And while I was digging out my November posts of all the previous years, I chanced upon this one particular post at the last paragraph, and it struck me of how much good things that have happened to me and I have chosen to forget all of those. And it clearly got wiped out of my normally very good memory.

Then again, it's been a closure since and I have healed. I have so many of his things lying around. I should go around to returning them just as I move out. And honestly, I don't know why I don't have the courage to face/talk to him. How to return like that? Of all things that I have been confident, courageous, bold and sometimes fearless about, now I'm shrinking in cowardice when faced with matters of the heart.

As I watch this... and hear the emotions, I realise I still have a long way to go in developing emotions. True, heartfelt, even if heartwrenching but real emotions. I have covered so many literature texts, read so many love stories, analysed too many nuances. And yet, internally, I am really just a green horn in the subject of love.

Responsibility

2011-10-31T23:45:00.005+08:00

Accidentally chanced upon a sermon on "taking responsibility for your life", I got hooked onto Andy Stanley's delivery. Westerners really tend to speak with much more intonation and emphasis that it's quite nice to listen to how they make words come alive. But that's besides the point. The main point here is this message that he was trying to convey.

One idea that stuck with me... is this.

Anytime an individual acts irresponsibly, somebody has to come along to clean up that mess.

Everytime there's a conflict, be it in a family, a community, a relationship, a company, draw a pie. Then draw a slice of the pie in which you think you are responsible for this conflict. Everytime, that slice, is going to be small. We are always focused on how small our slice really is, but really, how much responsibility are we taking? Really. It's not about how much he and she is doing this or that. It's about yourself. Look at yourself. How much can you do to be responsible for this. Stop the blame game. It only creates conflict. Where there's blame, there's often shame. And there's often guilt.

How many times do you hear someone say "It's my fault, I am responsible for what happens." But a minute somebody begins to use blame, do you ever have more respect for someone who blames someone else? Blame is a way to shift responsibility. How good do you actually feel when you have blamed your way out of something?

Start taking responsibility for your life. We were designed to take on responsibilities. We feel good when we are doing well in our responsibilities. Start taking responsibility for your life. Your irresponsibility eventually becomes someone else's responsibility. And we feel worse off. Why do we want that? We derive happiness from being responsible. We take pride in our responsibilities.

Moving

2011-10-30T20:43:00.002+08:00

Be Prepared to Feel Uprooted

You're going to be living in chaos for a while, with boxes everywhere and things feeling out of control. It's normal to be upset when you can't find the spatula or the crockpot; just remember to consult your lists and know that you're organized and on track for this move. You've done the work, and even though there's still more to go, it will get done.
And when you move into your new home, also remember that it'll take a while for this new space to feel like your own. Give it time. Give yourself time to settle in.

And remember to breathe...

Credits

I'm feeling the stress, the louder voices, the shorter spans of patience already. It's going to be very draining. But looking at how Sushi can be so peaceful sleeping on the empty floors allows a tranquil sense of peace to wash over me, like how I love picturing my worries and troubles being washed away when I shower at the end of the day. Therapeutic moments incorporated into my daily life. Thankful for that.

Roses

2011-10-28T23:28:00.003+08:00

When we focus so much on our pursuits that seem so hard and far-reaching, we spiral down into the thorns amongst the bushes, failing to realise, that just right there amongst us together with the thorns, are the fresh red roses awaiting to be admired and appreciated.

I am glad I have stopped myself in this senseless pursuit of mind-boggling studying, to catch up with my inner self and friends who matter.

I do realise the opening of many doors after the closure of some... if I bothered looking out for it.

Events are always happening, the perceptions we have are more important than the events themselves. More so, because we can control how we perceive and react to it, and to focus on the silver lining instead of the loss. I'm so impressed with you Pam, because after so long, I'm not even ready. Two years and more, and I feel like I haven't moved much from point one. Sometimes you guys place me too high on that pedestal of emotional maturity. I am not as great as that. Words are easy, actions aren't.

Sad reality

2011-10-27T01:13:00.003+08:00

I laugh in sad amusement that person A goes after person B and person B doesn't reciprocate but goes after person C and it keeps going on. Somehow, I don't know why there ain't no circle in this endless pursuit.

Positivity

2011-10-26T00:12:00.001+08:00

In an attempt to break the cycle of negativity and weariness I've been feeling these couple of weeks, I dedicated some time to re-read some inspirational books that have been hiding in those dark cupboards untouched for quite some time now. Even the pages have turned yellowish, but the wisdom it contains never mellow with time.

"There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self. If you really want to improve your life and live with all that you deserve, you must run your own race. It doesn't matter what other people say about you. What is important is what you say to yourself. Do not be concerned with the judgement of others as long as you know what you are doing is right. You can do whatever you want as long as it is correct according to your conscience and your heart. Never be ashamed of doing that which is right; decide on what is good and then stick to it. Never get into the petty habit of measuring your self worth against other people's net worth. Every second you spend thinking about somoene else's dreams you take time away from your own."

To combat my fatigue emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, this very excerpt has been resonating in me ever since:

"You truly cannot afford the luxury of even one negative thought. A worrisome thought is like an embryo: it starts off small but grows and grows. Soon it takes on a life of its own."

Been trying to embrace life's events as the way they are, without judging it with polarity. They are neither good nor bad. They are merely life's experiences to grow, to learn, to enjoy. Forget about the past, fret not about the future, live in the present and focus all the energy on the pursuits of what I really want now. Because if I keep having my sight on the destination, I have one less eye to focus on the journey of getting there.

Lift the spirits

2011-10-25T00:25:00.003+08:00

Your presence is a gift to the world
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be -
Take in one day at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along.
Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself
Your dreams are waiting to be realised.
Don't leave important decisions to chance -
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously -
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way -
Remember that a lot goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment,
Life's treasures are people... together.

Have health, hope and happiness,
Take the time to wish on a star.
And don't ever forget for even a day...
How very special you are.

Thank you Ash.

Apart

2011-10-23T21:39:00.002+08:00

Even weekends are undeserving enough to take breaks.

I really wished the elastic band I'm pulling on so hard right now won't snap back on me anytime soon.

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it"

Dreams

2011-10-22T23:13:00.005+08:00

"The Cage of Dreams"

They didn't know that by sitting there watching the day go by, their biggest dreams were being trapped between the lines and the reflections...

Credits

You know what's even better than chasing your dreams? It's doing it while holding the hands of the one you love the most. Cliches like that have gotten me reflecting the changes that I've been subconsciously experiencing. It must have been the family upbringing, or that of my mom's in particular. The notion of success at a young age has been drilled into me. I have been designed to succeed in my life. Chasing dreams that I thought were mine... she has so skilfully conditioned my mind to pursue the best that I can be.

I have been hungry for knowledge, hungry for satisfaction and this insatiable appetite has been powered by an insane amount of drive to pursue my goals with slight falters. The accumulation of wealth and possessions, I once thought, would signify a mark of achievement. I thought it gave me satisfaction. And only until recent months... or probably slightly over a year, I have marked changes in the way I pursue things in my life. I have always sought for spiritual fulfillment. Filling up my soul with books of wisdom from an early age, I was contented with my comfortable life.

As I get busier with all my commitments, I have been rethinking the priorities in my life. Why have I, like everyone else, been sucked into this rat race of life? Of pursuing monetary gains, thinking it would eventually lead to satisfaction and ultimately happiness. Every waking moment of my life, I am spending it thinking of ways to earn more money. I want to complement it with my studies and pursue much more than peers would do at my age.

However, I feel a distance now and then. As I achieve more and more in my life, I don't find myself getting happier. I am getting wearier, almost as if thinning my soul. I feel just like a machine, powered to achieve perfection and precision. It gets so cold sometimes. Almost as if when I picture myself, I see a reflection of a shiny cool metal, gleaning in the distance.

I haven't felt warmth and love in a really long time.

I need to find my calling, I want to fill my soul up... it's been empty far too long. I don't know where to start. As much as I want passion and purpose in my life and having peace and serenity occasionally settling within, I find that these have been insufficient. I have lost myself chasing my dreams, which I suspect, probably aren't my dreams anyway...

Been once too many

2011-10-19T22:10:00.006+08:00

http://www.theyearsareshort.com/

It touched me.

Because I had my own fair share of a single bus ride with my mom to kindergarten on a cold freezing morning with the windows all misted in the bus. It was my only time sitting on the bus together with her, huddled up close. It reminds me of myself calling her every day asking her the time to be back home. The moment when I would burst out the doors and throw myself into her arms when she came back.

Moments of love.

How I miss that, oh so much.

Why do we act like we don't care when in fact we just want to be coddled like a baby. Why Jac... why.

Long

2011-10-18T20:20:00.003+08:00

The art of giving, in its most beautiful form. To give, to embrace the giving process and to radiate happiness whilst giving. Because the best giving exists in giving without any expectations of return.

Giving

2011-10-18T11:45:00.006+08:00

The past week has been hellish for me. I have reached this stage where I'm behind school work, disorganized in my filing and everything is just a clutter. I'm dealing with everything at a time, trying to clear the present mess because I see the chaos behind and I don't want all of this to cumulate and tumble down on me.

I have been doing the exact same thing as the above. And honestly, it feels good only to a certain point. I have went past that point, and everything is a little out of control. I want to be so much for so many people. I don't want to disappoint myself. But I'm breaking myself down a little bit in this process.

As I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my emotions and all the wild thoughts flying in my mind, I finally managed to muster those warm tears to fall. It feels good to ponder upon the day at night in bed, drawing closures to the thoughts and ending it with a river flow. I wish I could cry more often.

Feeling helpless at times, the desire to just lay on someone to defend the world for me is quite the urgent need for now. But I have only myself to depend upon. Why be so strong sometimes, Jac? Where's my safe haven in this world of constant battles for nothing? The answer lies in the sweet scent of my bed, the soft nothingness that won't respond and judge when I cry into those pillows. Where's my hand sewn human-sized bolster? I need it.

Why?

2011-10-11T00:10:00.004+08:00

我好像在期待奇迹出现.

Love

2011-10-09T12:24:00.008+08:00

There have been so many coincidences. Ruby thanks for having this on your blog, I can totally relate to this so so much.

the vulnerabilities in us is
what makes us human and not machines.
The feeling of pain reminds us that we are alive,
that we feel,
and it compels us to do greater stuff.

You always remind me that I am the sensitive and caring Jac, that I have so much capacity in me to love. Because I always doubt myself in this area, I always feel like a machine. I do what is best and right, not what my heart wants me to. Thanks for reminding me who I am.

Threading on a thin line as if on a tightrope, only there ain't no mats or nets to catch my fall and if I do fall, it's into a deep darkness that I can't even see the bottom of it. Setting the first step out now I can't just turn around and go back to safety, it's near impossible, that would just make me fall right down into nothingness. As wild as it might be, I enjoy the thrill it brings. I want to feel alive. I want to feel what raw pain is. Not to self mutilate, but for my heart to feel its depth. I have been skimming the surface of my heart, sweeping everything under the rug whenever I feel anger, sadness, shame. I want to feel so much pain that it makes me cry out. I want to feel so much joy it makes me a warm person to be around. I want to give everything I've got and if I had to fall, I want to fall down hard, real hard. So that I can call it a valuable experience, something that makes me stronger. I'm tired of protecting myself, I want to feel real emotions.

Let me fall... if I am going to. Right now, I feel so hard to cry. It really sucks. I almost forgot what tears are. And I want the warm feeling rolling down my cheeks, I want to feel.. human.

I want to peel myself open like an onion, layer by layer, let it sting the eyes, let the tears roll. Because then I know that it's real.

Beginnings

2011-10-08T11:36:00.003+08:00

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I have never thought of entrepreneurship in the past, okay, maybe I did have some lingering thoughts here and there. But nothing has ever been conceptualised in the end anyway, nor have I given much thought to it. As I attended the official launch of the 13th Start-up @ Singapore, I decided to give myself more room to think about the opportunities there are available. Not that I have to be doing something now, but at least I know what kind of opportunities there are out there. Hearing Edward, the founder of Timbre group, speak about his social mission and the reason for the chain of F&B/Music lifestyle outlets, did inspire me a bit on the things people strive to pursue in their lives. That if you have the passion for it, it didn't matter what you were doing, because you are going to do great in what you love doing.

Many thoughts came flooding in, I visualised providing a niche service for the dead, or a product & service in the interior design industry. It gets me excited looking at all the detailed layout plans and autocad drawings of conceptualised residential properties. But the market for this industry is already quite saturated. In fact, it's too saturated. And I don't want to end up as a contractor which most likely will be termed that way in the ID line, unless it's focused purely on ID consultancy job. But the satisfaction comes from seeing nothing to building something spectacular right? Then, the niche service, I don't know anything about the market for that service. It's too niche, it's too new an idea. Which is probably a very good thing.

I hope to start work soon, going for my first job interview ever on Tuesday. Exciting to be back to the corporate world, that is, if I get the job.

Solitude

2011-10-06T01:47:00.003+08:00

Does it signify independence? Confidence? The ability to enjoy the company of no one else's but your very own. I find myself at peace being alone. In moments like these, I start to contemplate over current events, draw lessons from past events, and then continue thinking about thinking. After conversing with Nah, whom refuses to read my blog, she's shed light on a different perspective. Something that I've been needing. It feels refreshing and gives me more room to contemplate further the decisions I pursue. Some which I continue standing by, and others, I start questioning why.

I am so conservative, so undaring to try new things, too laidback, and overly routined in my life. Would it be that mundane? I don't know what makes up a good injection of excitement. It takes so much to get me on the ball. Though, I enjoy spontaneity in things I do, occasionally surprising people with the things I do and say which they don't normally expect.

I don't know man, as much as time is a great deadener to many things, it's so helpful to have more time to rethink priorities in life. Sometimes I wonder if what I do right now is the right thing... which I guess I'll never know till I look back.

Rememberance

2011-10-04T22:58:00.004+08:00

Happiness existed in various forms. I was happy, have been happy, am still happy. I have always reminded myself of sanity. I'd want to live in the moment, to live for now. Sometimes I do things I cannot fathom I would do, maybe because I want to surprise myself and see how far I'd go at this. It's the little thrills, deep contentment, appreciation, sometimes a little bit more hopeful than certain days. Then other times melancholy sets in only so to remind me what happiness is.

I need to constantly remind myself of how much I have already been, and now I need to push myself out, to find out how much I can become. Though there may be uncertainties, I hope to be able to be in control.

It's a challenge, I want to come out stronger... than before.

And the thing about studies. Lost a little bit of drive in wanting to pursue excellence, perhaps the attention's been redirected at other things I thought are more important than grades. I'm on the look out for better job opportunities. Hoping to find work that I haven't previously touched before at a different industry. I wish I had all the time in the world to freely choose when I could attend lessons and go to work more frequently. Makes me appreciate the lessons more than I would do now.

This voice of Steve Jobs constantly reverberates.. "if you have been waking up too many times dragging your feet, it's time to rethink what you really want in life".

The rawness of opening a closed heart invites as much pain as it does contentment.

Up

2011-10-02T22:07:00.003+08:00

Something to get me started. A moment in life to remember. Words coming out that flow like the river. It was ever so natural. I have transcended boundaries I never knew I could.

I feel so blessed.

In a month's time, I will have a new environment. Life keeps changing. The dust all kicked up before it could even settle. It's always good for my learning experience. Because since I suck so much at adapting to new environments, the more I allow myself through the process, the better I will come out of it. I see a tiring month ahead. But the silent voice eggs me on.

Vault

2011-09-30T00:22:00.002+08:00

An eye opener for myself: http://www.vault.com/assessmentpdfs/ef5d6d4d804bd21c5aa4101bb172d608.pdf

Key things to note:

- are a strong self-starter, who doesn't wait for things to happen

- maintain cool control of your emotions

- are an excellent listener, one of the best

- strive for a high degree of quality control

Ideal Job Culture is where you do your best work. You do your best work in an environment that:

- working in a predictable environment

- doesn't call for you to project great emotion

- presents you with specialized assignments

- encourages projects being done accurately the first time

Honestly, I don't know what kind of jobs have such a job culture. Loving the opportunities there are right now. So many... too many in fact. But I'm glad for now it's just a mass knowledge accumulation period. I have been working so hard my whole life, to be right here, right now.

Death

2011-09-22T15:38:00.001+08:00

"Wherever your life ends, it is all there. The utility of living consists not in the length of days, but in the use of time; a man may have lived long, and yet lived but a little. Make use of time while it is present with you. It depends upon your will, and not upon the number of days, to have a sufficient length of life. Is it possible you can imagine never to arrive at the place towards which you are continually going? and yet there is no journey but hath its end. And, if company will make it more pleasant or more easy to you, does not all the world go the self-same way?

I believe, in truth, that it is those terrible ceremonies and preparations wherewith we set it out, that more terrify us than the thing itself; a new, quite contrary way of living; the cries of mothers, wives, and children; the visits of astounded and afflicted friends; a dark room, set round with burning tapers; in sum, nothing but ghostliness and horror round about us; we seem dead and buried already. Children are afraid even of those they are best acquainted with, when disguised in a visor; and so 'tis with us; the visor must be removed as well from things as from persons, that being taken away, we shall find nothing underneath but the very same death that a mean servant or a poor chambermaid died a day or two ago, without any manner of apprehension. Happy is the death that deprives us of leisure for preparing such ceremonials."

Credit: essays of Michel de Montaigne.

If I had wanted a change, I will be the change. How long and how hard does it take to change a tradition so deep set in a culture? I want death to be a joyous occasion. Just like a celebrity's death is remembered by portraying one's life works, wouldn't it have been a lot more memorable and sentimental to celebrate the death of one? The day our life ends is the day it draws a full stop and completes the beautiful journey that we have been through. We end it off with a blast, we end if off leaving a legacy. Will we be able to achieve that one day?

I know I want to.

爱要怎么说

2011-09-21T00:58:00.001+08:00

Quiet, introvert, apathetic & non-expressive. A lethal combination which requires a miracle pill to express emotions.

我怎样学会呢?

A new window

2011-09-20T00:35:00.002+08:00

As I blog lesser and lesser, I experience a significant obstacle of trying to express myself properly verbally and through words. There are many thoughts in me, but I can't express them out, not even in words. It kills me sometimes, because that means it's just a web of tangled mess in there.

Within the past months, I feel like I have gone into a whole new realm. I am experiencing things that I have done 3, 4 years back, only this time, with friends my age. Friends I call my own. It's so surreal, that I have actually grown up so much, so fast. The ghost of me leaving the scene, and now it's the present me replacing all these experiences at the very same places that I used to be at.

I wonder if I can manage yet another incredible journey of exceptional loving. The heart craves and it's such a natural feeling. A feeling that doesn't need no commanding, no restraining, a feeling so nurturing and sudden. It's too compelling. How crazy, stupid love can be? How far can we go to maintain the giving and taking?

I am too lucky. The situation requires me to acclimatise myself quite a bit. Everything starts from somewhere, and I see many new windows of opportunity. Man makes life exciting, and not wait for life to become exciting.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all.

What do I make out of that?

2011-09-15T16:52:00.002+08:00

Today I was so affected by the effects of herd mentality and insensitivity. Many times, I wonder if I am really that different from others, that I can feel and see so much more. Although not an emotional person, I can understand and grasp many situations easily. Sometimes in a social setting, people tend to exhibit the 'group' behaviour, where everybody tries to blend in their characters with the dynamics of the group to fit in. I stay true to myself, does that make me weird? I may be silent, but I take in a lot and sometimes I am quite disappointed at how the transition of schools have not changed much things about the maturity of students.

If I don't have expectations, would I still be disappointed? I mean, it's quite common sense to have such basic expectations, and sometimes I try very hard to put myself in others' situations, would I still have reacted the same way? I sympathize from their points of view, yet I don't understand what it is that forces us to fall back into the collectivist culture and not think for ourselves.

I feel sad about it, but I know it's beyond my control. Life is tough sometimes, but I know I am contented, and I wish more people would feel the same way too. How do we shed the innocence and naivety? Experience comes hitting hard on some of us, I don't know if I am lucky or unlucky to experience many things earlier. 6 weeks into school, and I still have a hard time adapting. Sigh, why am I so slow in this.

Emotional

2011-09-15T01:37:00.002+08:00

It's been a long while... I haven't got the time at all to come back here and pour my heart. Especially so when I feel so down sometimes, and I can't find the reason that explains the feelings all inside.

It's the feeling of being so alone even though I'm surrounded by so many people.

I love how school is so different from rote learning and that we are always constantly applying many things to real life. I only wish we could grow up faster mentally and enjoy school for what it is now.

I actually want to fall in love... to rely on someone emotionally. Some things are not meant to be rushed... and I will soothe myself with my love songs mix.

Help

2011-08-25T15:31:00.003+08:00

I can't believe how fast my life has changed in a week. I was still gloating over how relaxed Uni life is because I was consistently ahead of lessons. Well, that only lasted for one week. One very pathetic week. I am struggling to keep my head above the waters now and with very sore muscles it's making life even tougher.

I'm mentally screaming in my mind everytime I think about the workload and projects and presentations. I am thankful for having the confidence to speak and present because it really saves a lot of time rather than preparing a speech and memorising to the death of it.

Training is exceptionally tough and I'm still in my culture shock adaptation stage. I am really slow in getting used to new environments and right now I am still finding a place to settle. It sucks to feel lost, because I need a direction to proceed. These are times to feel bad and down, but I can't find a reason to crumble totally. Trust me, the feeling of hanging in between is way tougher to handle than swinging on the extremes. Because when you want to cry out to release your emotions, you can't.

Every morning I wake up like a machine, eyes swollen from water retention and head spinning from the lack of sleep. I proceed to drive an exceptional long way to school faced with traffic jam and inconsiderate drivers. And honestly I have no right to complain because I have such a privilege. It makes me feel like life is so volatile. And I'm really missing friends... just friends to sit down and lie around and not talk at all but merely to immerse in the atmosphere and relax. There's so much tension in my body I feel so unnatural and jerky all the time as if I'm always forgetting to do something. Too many things on the mind with too little time to do them all. I should tone down the ambitions and be a little normal kid... or at least try.

5 Wisdoms

2011-08-15T21:57:00.003+08:00

1. If you are right, then there's no need to get angry. And if you are wrong, then you don't have any right to get angry.

2. Patience with family is love. Patience with others is respect. Patience with self is confidence.

3. Never think hard about past, it brings tears. Don't think more about the future, it brings fears. Live this moment with a smile, it brings cheers.

4. Every test in our life makes us bitter or better. Every problem comes to make us or break us. Choice is ours, whether we become victim or victorious.

5. Search a beautiful heart, not a beautiful face. Beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful.

NUS Business O Week 2011

2011-08-07T00:42:00.002+08:00

The good exposure I've had to varsity life starts from here, and it opens my world.

There are really people from all walks of life, and they each have amazing talents and abilities.

I feel so blessed to be around here in this moment. It just feels like everything has so much potential, so much possibilities, and so much limits to break.

Here goes my life... the life I've been looking forward to since Secondary; the life that I can fully mould in my hands, by myself, and be proud of whatever the results are.

Nurture potential part II

2011-07-23T09:16:00.002+08:00

In continuation to a previous post, I have found an answer which had been lingering in my mind all these while. I mentioned that I can't even remember the last time she complimented me, because, I found out the truth last night; there simply wasn't anything commendable about me at all. I blatantly asked if I had any strengths at all when she was going on and on about all my weaknesses, and the answer I got was none. I didn't have any at all.

After 19 years of my life here, she couldn't even name a single strength of mine. She only went on and on about my brother's strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. I stopped her short and broke it, "do I have any 长处?" and she said she really couldn't thought of any.

I am merely a clammed up person, with so much flaws, so much imperfections and the failure to meet so many of her over-exceeding expectations.

Tell me, how do I go about filling this hole in my soul?

Universal Studios Singapore

2011-07-20T23:14:00.004+08:00

If not for my cousin coming from the States, I don't know when I'll ever trod into this side of Singapore to feed our tourism revenue. The last time I'd been to Resorts World Sentosa was for work, and it wasn't that much fun because we had a tender interview, and the RWS department that called for the tender wasn't all too pleasant to deal with. That was indeed bad. And another time when I went with Sean and Chanel for a nice little touristy tour where Sean seemed to be the Malaysian bringing the locals around the attractions.

And for the real thing, this time, we paid a good deal to get into USS because of the 20% mastercard discount they're having right now. The place is like a circle so we started from Madagascar and covered all the attractions along the way. I am most impressed by the washroom standards there because one would normally expect it to be wet and dirty and disgusting because the volume of human traffic there is just high at whatever period of the year. And that's where it surprised me. There were 2 cleaners permanently stationed there to refill the rolls of toilet paper in the cubicles and drying up of the floors every time someone steps out. It's really good and commendable.

I have to admit I don't have much of a childhood with all these characters. Because I don't know their names and I'm just like wow... it's a dreamland for children!

I found the Revenge of the Mummy ride the most terrifying even with eyes closed because of the sudden jerking movements and the seats weren't comfortable for such movements! Another thing was because it was pitch black and the feeling of not knowing what's coming next takes the fear to the next level. They snapped a shot in the middle of the ride and boy, I was looking so epic. Yes, I vividly remember my fear. The best part of it all? Pam was sitting beside me and she turned out looking almost bored in the photo. Hahahahaha.

The all famous Battlestar Galactica attractions weren't as scary as they are made out to be. Shutting my eyes throughout kept my fear at bay. I took the Human ride (red) twice, once with eyes closed and the second time with them open. It's really not that scary. However, the Cyclon ride (blue) made me feel like I was going to lose my life. Somewhat. The safety measure was such that the buckle straps your entire body down, so I was grabbing so tightly onto the sides my biceps pressed again the cushion until it hurt so bad. I didn't know I was so stressed out. I could have honestly break a tile if I had to use that amount of strength when i climb. Hahaha! A pity I only rode it once. I would dare to open my eyes if I did it the second time. But honestly, I think I would freak out when it starts going sideways and upside down.

We took many pretty photos and I am thinking of developing them into an album for keepsake instead of just leaving them on Facebook. :D

We had dinner at Loui's. It was (i assume) an Italian restaurant that had amazing pizza. Amazing by Singapore standards, because my cousin from US thinks there are better pizzas over there. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it really much because it was really DAMNNN good. Or I was probably too starved already from all the exertion throughout the day.

The one good lesson from USS is to not queue at those attractions that tell you waiting time is 80 or 60 minutes! It's bullcrap, because the reward for waiting is almost nothing. So for USS wannago-ers, just take all the 5 min waiting time rides. They are truly more adrenaline-worthy!

And, yesterday my brother's 21st birthday just went by like that. So ordinarily for a 21st. We are all growing up already. No crazy expectations of celebrating it with a blast.

Outdoors

2011-07-15T01:12:00.003+08:00

I realised that after this rock trip, I have grown to embrace the outdoors so much more. The comforts of home have kept me spoilt and pampered. Now, I feel like I can live out any camps in Singapore, because I really don't mind the dirt and grime from outdoors. All along with insects and animals, they come to form a beautiful picture of our Mother Nature.

How gross can any thing in a city be right?

Did I mention nothing beats peeing in the wild, because you don't have to find a toilet when you are urgently in need of one, it's everywhere. Hahaha. Oh yes, I have yet to do a big business outdoors, wonder when that time will come.

School is starting in 3 weeks. I feel so scared to lose myself in all the world of stress and madness, again. And I really can feel how fast I've grown... to trod into the beginnings of adulthood.

Krabi 2011

2011-07-05T00:48:00.006+08:00

As I sat there on the deck of freedom bar on many of the days there, zoning out, sometimes thinking about life back in Singapore, thinking about the work and people, I am so glad to be away for a good sustained period. 12 days were more than enough to let me lose track of time. It felt fast... but every day there was simply simple. Nothing to worry, same old same food and drink, that they become comfort food. Even the accommodation felt like home every night after a long day outdoors. It wasn't really all about climbing. I just needed a good break from work, and this was it.

Now I'm so afraid of going back to the dreaded place. Unpleasantries linger around.

I appreciated the simple life back there.

But I appreciate Singapore and my life back here so much more because I realise I am really privileged to have all that I have right now. It feels like a good reminder to myself to be grateful and contented.

Personal log of the climbs I've tried/done there:

Dum's Kitchen

Schlingel Moritz - 6a

Schlingel Max - 6b

Tyrolean Wall

Missing Snow - 6b+

Tonsai Wall and Roof

I No Speak England - 6b

Tidal Wave - 7b

Hin Rong Hai(Crying Rock) - 6c

Fire Wall

The Groove Tube - 6a

For Helga - 6b

One-Two-Three at Railay

Giggering for Climbing - 5

Short and Savage - 6b

Old Route - 5

Make A Way - 6a+

The Nest/Wild Kingdom

Whacky Weed - 6a

Techno Bug - 6a

Krabi

2011-06-19T23:17:00.003+08:00

Flying off on 20th June, that's tomorrow, early in the morning! Pretty much clueless about what to expect, except loads and loads of climbing on natural rock which I have been craving so much since Batu Caves 2 years back. That seemed so recent... it's been 2 years!

I will literally vanish for 2 weeks till 2nd July, so it's a good time to lose touch from the world away from all the technology devices that get on my nerves because people are constantly texting/facebooking/tweeting whenever they hang out with other people. Yes, it gets on my nerves when you are there constantly on your phone typing shit, because I am here beside you and you are being rude.

Hahahahaa

So a nice vacation from all of this nonsense and let me recharge my soul from all the work...

I will miss you, you, you, you and you. And my bed. Till then!

Ship

2011-06-16T01:56:00.004+08:00

Particularly friendships, they have been coming and going. It just so happened that we met at the same place at a particular timing. And once we were done with whatever we had to do, we moved on with our lives and the distance grows and slowly memories all start fading as well. Chemistry and connection play a huge role.

I could have a million friends in this world, but I choose to devote my time and love to the select few who stand the test of time and faith. The harder we had it going, the more we treasure all that we've had.

I haven't yet found my calling in certain aspects of my life. But I'm so blessed to have you girls watching me grow, and to watch you guys grow too. Which reminds me that I ought to find a partner to experience these phases as well.

男人可遇不可求.

Hard

2011-06-11T19:03:00.004+08:00

I've learned a really good lesson yesterday. Top-rope climbing doesn't mean it's easier!!! Yesterday Ser and I had a good hard climbing session at CA where we whacked 5c to 6c routes. We lost count of the number of routes, but I'm guessing we could have completed nearly 10 routes. Totally draining towards the end that I couldn't even push myself to do endurance training. And I got myself a nice flapper on the right hand and a weird internally bruised blister on the left. Cuts all over my hands which I have no idea where I'd gotten them from either. When you're in survival mode nothing really matters eh. Those 6b and 6c routes we did almost killed me. I came down pumped and sweat shone in the light. Top-rope allows me to try moves I never thought I could ever do. It's really nice to take a break from different styles of training.

The one that I don't really enjoy is bouldering. But it's also the one that's gonna be a major factor for getting into NUS climb team. :( Why isn't there more competitions for high wall lovers like me?? Instead of monster boulder comps that make women look like men from those highly intensive trainings.

Less than 2 weeks to Krabi! Super excited and pumped up to crank on those real rocks and to have the waves crashing in the background. And no... it's not just a dream.

It's a dream coming alive. Really blessed to have all these opportunities in my life.

Work

2011-06-08T00:07:00.004+08:00

Nonchalance, my best and worst trait, has gotten me into hot soup. You see, when you care, people say you kaypo. When you don't care, people also got something to remark. When you guai lan act blur live longer, people start to stab you from behind.

I've seen how words can mutate and transform its meaning through different modes of conveyance at its worst (I hope it stays being the worst for now). When someone has the intention to harm, even the most pleasant statement can turn nasty.

When I stay away from all these politics at work, I get scolded for being too bo chup and kena stabbed from behind also don't stand up for myself. My conscience tells me there's really no point in pitting against someone 15 years older than I am. On the very first level, I have already won because I haven't stooped to such underhand means. It's even harder to stomach when such actions are being undertaken by someone so much older than I am. We would have expected more maturity right? Wrong. Wisdom and knowledge doesn't come with age. It's merely just a number if we fail to open our minds to learn.

At times, I do wonder, how far and how much guai lan-ness there is in me to sustain this adrenaline and drive to work on my own goals and ignore external factors. They are merely passing phases. And I realise, I do have quite an amount of that in me.

Let's just say, respect is earned; not demanded. Regardless of stature, age and culture.

Perspectives

2011-05-22T23:21:00.003+08:00

It has been the longest wait in my life for the past week. Checking into the online platform every single day for NUS's acceptance/rejection into the business school has been the norm now.

Aside from the mundane things in life like these, I watched Undercover Boss on channel 5 and it's gotta be the highlight of today's waste-my-life-away day. Basically a high ranking personnel i.e. CEO of a large company heads down to the front line, and works side by side with entry level staff performing job roles like cleaning/store-checking/maintenance/delivery/logistics etc. In Econs, we learnt that with huge companies that reap large economies of scale, the drawback is that the top management level is always very far away from the front line in terms of feedback and support. Half the time, these 2 don't ever associate with each other and have zero idea of what's happening at either side.

In this program, they aim to eliminate that by having the CEO take on the undercover job and it all rolls along. Getting the first hand information and knowledge of what's happening is crucial especially when running a business. Customers' needs are of utmost importance, because they are the ones who drives the business.

Which brings me back to my working experience now. I am very blessed to have been given such opportunities to rotate in various departments to try my hands on things I've never done before. This idea of rotating in various departments is not new, many companies do it for undergrads internships as well as for freshgraduates to give them the big picture of how the company functions. I've had my opportunity coming earlier than usual even before I've started the undergrad experience.

The most recent experience I've had in the past week is running and managing my own project, both in terms of dealing with client's expectations and meeting his needs, while coordinating with suppliers and contractors to perform the job on schedule. After executing this, I have to be there to monitor the job being done. Sounds like much of a work for a 19 year old? It definitely is. I talked to bosses offering their services to me, to workers and their supervisors doing the job itself, and then to my client as well as reporting to my direct supervisor and bosses in the office. Having some responsibilities in accounts side also gave me a better idea of dealing with payments and keeping the project healthy in terms of profit margin.

The most rewarding part of it all, is seeing everything running so smoothly at work and people getting an outright shock expression all over their faces knowing my age. I've never felt so involved and clear about the work that I'm doing, ever. This has really been the most well spent holidays of my life.

Like what Chris Sharma said:

Climbing is this ever evolving thing, and although it really is about the goal and succeeding and getting to the top, at the same time it's a never-ending cycle of finding something that you're really motivated on, obsessing over it, and then once you get to the top, celebrating for a little while and then moving on to the next thing.

And of course, looking forward to lessening the work load once my project is done and moving on to climbing.

It has been such a journey at work. July is coming, making big decisions for entrance to my preferred Uni, and starting on the next thing in life. I wonder where I get all this inspiration from.

Too soon

2011-05-17T00:34:00.003+08:00

Guess I couldn't resist the urge to pen down some thoughts till the results from NUS come out. I thought I have seen quite a bit of the ugly side of human, but last night marks a new milestone for me. Snatching for the bill right out of the waitress's hands was polite enough, then the tug of war ensued between 2 parties right in front of the waitress. While I silently watch on, I secretly and invisibly buried my entire body deep into the earth below. How could I have just dined with people like that? And just before that, one party apparently poured beverage for its own consumption, and upon realising it wasn't what it had ordered, proceeded to question the wait staff, then pour it away into the cup that the staff was clearing. How polite and graceful.

I thought there were more etiquette to this world than it is. I guess it takes some getting used to, I just can't believe I have to be associated with such people who put on such disgusting behaviour. It irks me so much, I felt downright embarrassed and sorry both for myself and the disgraceful persons involved.

Why do adults behave like that?

And then, there's also the self-centredness that gladly radiates around in my household. Blatantly just obtaining whatever there is for fulfilling its own desires. Sigh. I really didn't know people like these exist in such a modern century. I would so volunteer to help and assist to the best of my ability, but such things just turn me off completely and I still have to do it because of obligations.

You know, Oscar Wilde sure did sum it up best.

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

And I foresee there's gonna be so much more of such awful situations awaiting to be uncovered in the very near future. I wished I could save myself.

Revived

2011-05-15T20:39:00.002+08:00

Working on weekends at the office is absolutely lovely! No need to care about dressing, whatever you do because there's simply no one judging, looking or simply caring. Plus the atmosphere is so nice, no constant ring of the annoying phone.

After going for the Discretionary Admission's Biz interview at NUS, I am leaning towards NUS. See how humans want something that they haven't gotten yet? And take for granted when they have it?? I'm waiting so anxiously... for climbing and for the biz course.

Volunteering at Climb X brings back many memories of last year's climb X when we took part in it and organised it as well. Feelings were definitely different, because I went to school so much more relaxed as compared to a participant's anxious/nervous emotions. I crave for competitions, especially difficult comps, so so much!

In another 2 more weeks, June is gonna arrive. I haven't decided when I should stop work, probably right at my trip to Krabi on 20th June and then come back to SG to PARTY the whole of July. Technically people who knows me well enough, my PARTYING is not the same as your partying terms. Ha ha ha.

Seriously cannot wait for Uni to start, orientation, studying, and feeling young again.

Work, as much as I derive much more satisfaction from, still complicates life quite a bit with all its politics and responsibilities that tie to real money terms. Being a student no doubt may have all these, but definitely on a much smaller scale, or so I hope. At least I now have an advantage of knowing to see things much simpler and caring about things that matter to me only!

Be back soon again with my update on accepting which Uni!!!!

What hurts the most

2011-04-30T23:20:00.002+08:00

It's going to sound like an emo post again with such a title. But it's always the most hurtful things that stay with someone, it haunts, in sleeping moments and in waking moments.

我睡不着的时候，会不会有人陪着我

我难过的时候，会不会有人安慰我

我想说话的时候，会不会有人了解我

Wallowing in self pity. And a good night's sleep erased all the pity I ever had. Erased all the troubles. I love how my mind always refreshes itself just like that.

It's cruel that all relationships play a big role in one's emotional and mental state, yet it's always something that's so hard to depend on. Why do we all get played like that?

Dear

2011-04-23T23:02:00.006+08:00

All it took was for one movie, a simple, touching, heartfelt movie, to change my perspective. As a continuation from my previous post, there were signs of unhappiness bubbling in me. I kept thinking. Every minute as I'm awake, as I'm in the house. I thought, and thought. While I drive, alone, in the car, I thought. I have been selfish, thinking about how much I disliked the way things are as it is. I kept going down this slippery slope of being unsatisfied, being annoyed, and even frustrated because I cannot do anything. I realised after these couple of hours, that I kept harping on all the little things that put me off. I kept focusing, like a nitpicker, like her, on all the details that made me angry, little things would spark me off, all because of all the focus and attention I had placed on the flaws.

Everybody has time. Whether it be found, or created, there is time on our hands. But eventually, it's gonna run out. There is only that finite amount of time each of us has. If I continue spending every waking moment, focusing on flaws that made me unhappy, it's miserable, not only for me, but for her. I've zoomed in, and now I'm learning to zoom out. I want to force myself to see the bigger picture that life has in store. I have prided myself on being logical, reasonable. But I've been very unfeeling and simply uncaring about the people physically closest to me. I realised that problems take two to happen. I must have faulted somewhere as well. I'm trying my best to change.

Because I know time, will eventually run out. And I don't need to have regrets. I want to give it my best. I read somewhere, that the declaration of independence of America, was for a purpose. It was for the pursuit of happiness. It was a common goal for the land of free people. I've had many goals, and still have many more to pursue. I need to wake up, from the clouded vision of unhappiness.

I have been very privileged and blessed. Why am I still complaining? Each time I feel disappointed or upset, I would think of the life I'm enjoying right now. Is it really worth it being frustrated? I will try, as hard as it may be, to change the status quo. It hasn't been easy all these while, bringing us up single-handedly. We've been pampered so much more than many complete families by material wealth. It takes a lot to understand her position, and until I become a mother myself, I can never understand the whole thing, only grappling here and there. But you know, I'm going to give it my best, to understand it. Because when someone actually really understands it, the amount of relief and appreciation she will feel, is beyond any loving I can ever give.

Phase

2011-04-22T01:25:00.005+08:00

It's late nights like these that I spend so much time procrastinating on the net, randomly surfing nothing in particular, looking through photos, reading articles, pondering and reflecting over thoughts that weren't entertained during busy days of the week.

It's addictive, I tell myself I need more sleep, earlier nights to prevent the saggy/wrinkled eye bags forming. I just can't bear to turn off the screen.

Time and again, I love going back into the past, nostalgic and humorous at best, melancholic and disgusted at worst. This blog has been with me through so many ups and downs in my life. From 2005, I've gone through tons of phases. Skating, netball, skating again, experiencing my first relationship, doing many firsts things, getting out of a relationship, being actively involved in climbing, graduation from O level, then A level. Friends at different stages, come and go. Grow and grow. Everything keeps evolving, changing, mutating. Some worse off, some better off. Life has been quite crazy for me.

At every stage, I've always commonly hear people leaving remarks about my maturity. Today, my uncle/aunt left some words that I pondered upon. They reminded me not to be absorbed into the adult world so soon, to behave like a child, a teenager, to enjoy a burden-free childhood, that some things ought to be left to worry in adulthood, not now. And it hit me, that all I've been thinking, isn't about going out with friends to party, socialising, getting dead drunk, or anything silly or outrageously fun. What I've been thinking, is about the future, my education, my career, improving myself in all aspects, earning to upkeep the family, taking up responsibilities to care more, learning to deal with conflicts at work. I'm consistently making small goals and giving the commitment to reach each one. From attaining a driving license in the shortest possible time, to finding time to climb. I feel good, a sense of accomplishment when I actually do attain it.

I fathom marrying, starting a family. All of these ordinary thoughts that linger in the mind. Sometimes I look at friends my age, flipping through clubbing pictures, shopping pictures, going overseas etc, I wonder to myself, why have I not gone through this phase, only to skip the whole thing altogether? Shopping is merely on a needs basis and till date I've not clubbed yet.

I get excited thinking about closing sales. Nerves tingle when I do each task at work in the shortest possible time. I love leaving people impressed, even if it's little things.

Having watched limitless, I actually can feel the sense of clarity the people felt when they took the drug, NZT. My direction has always been clear, and I do all it takes to reach the destination. I might fall short sometimes, but I'm always getting closer. I wonder where I get all this drive from. Sometimes when I go into a daze, I think of many things that have become overated. Sex, prostitutes, alcohol, smoking, and whatever vices there are; all of it are just largely blown out of proportion by social media.

After working for close to 5 months now, I have gained an invaluable amount of

knowledge/experience both in the soft and hard skills there are to learn. I am better in my judgement of many matters, I have grown even more patience than I previously had, and I learn to respect colleagues who deserve it. Though merely at 18 years old, sometimes I feel given more time, I could out-do what some 30, 40 year old manages. I figured it could be the hard headedness older people tend to be when they age. The assumption that age comes with wisdom leaves people thinking they know much more than they actually do, and they behave in a way that makes them superior over others, which, puts them at a disadvantage, because they shut their learning mindset and insist on being right.

I've seen people with and without education certifications, having years of experience in the industry, and I made some observations, that qualification level only play so much at the surface level, it really lies in the individual's capacity to improve and learn. Some people have appetites way higher than others, achieving success much earlier, even without the additional advantage of having qualifications. While the rest have better qualifications becoming stagnant because of complacency.

Psychologically, mannerisms and dispositions play a huge role in getting someone to like you. Words alone merely remain as words. Gestures and postures are so important, or at least, to me. I observe small little things and it gets to me. And when we really do get into the cycle of deciding to like/dislike someone/something, it keeps going the same way and the feeling intensifies.

I'm trying to find some love, something redeemable about what I feel about certain things at home or in the office, but the usually optimistic me, just can't find it. It shows... and I'm growing tired of it. So tired.. that sometimes I just can't control the tears and let it flow. Certain things are really beyond our control. I can't change the way I think about it, and neither is the situation getting better. It annoys me thoroughly.

I need an inspiring book to change the way I think.

It's an apt moment

but FML sometimes.

At this point in time, Sushi's roving eyes and head keep following my mouse cursor on the screen while she's sitting in front of me before the keyboard, it's epic funny.

Thinking about it

2011-04-17T12:02:00.003+08:00

Saturdays have unofficially become my climbing training days. Yesterday I made a breakthrough! It feels like my first hard lead climb since NSSCC last year. Nice long stretchy dynamic moves. Hard breathing, sweat dripping, feeling all out of breath and pumped. This is the feeling that I have been missing so much. I know what's so addictive, it's the adrenaline rush.

I've been craving so much for an overseas rock trip. The first one to Chiangmai failed because none of the girls could make it except me. Now it's Batu Caves! It's still undecided. I've been thinking, I don't know if I could not join climbing in uni and pick a different activity to engage in altogether. We shall see again eh? I've always planned so far ahead, but things don't always work out that way. Now it's just taking a step at a time, reaching a goal and pursuing the next.

On Friday when I checked the SMU online platform, it says that my status is "Admitted", and I am patiently or rather anxiously anticipating for the acceptance letter. And NUS has no news at all. No interview, nothing. I am seriously, seriously, seriously still in a dilemma between NUS & SMU, but if I don't even get anything from NUS, what next? Shall decide again when I reach there.

On a different note, women are so captivating to men and men are always falling under their spells. The way my colleagues speak to men/women are so obvious, especially when it's male colleagues speaking to their male counterparts, and the next moment, they converse so sweetly with a female colleague. It's obvious. I shall just sum it up in chinese, 男人就是那么贱. No offence, I think it's a natural mechanism that makes men function like that.

And being the crazy me, I keep being attracted to married men. I have officially declared it a crisis. I wished I could heal myself. Wah, deprived. It's close to 2 years with 4 months short that I've been single. But I have nothing in mind(fine, except weird fantasies of things working out with age gap way more than 20 years LOL), except to start school, start the next phase of life. Start saving, start planning. HDB is going to be so expensive, I wonder how Gen Y's gonna afford a house of their own, including myself. And a car is so hard to upkeep, and I am so stingy. Spendthift. And I am just rambling.

Sarcastic humour is funny and acceptable. But just plain sarcasm that digs at you isn't. It's simply telling of one's narrow-mindedness and inability to accept things the way it is. I don't know if it's jealousy or the innocent envy, but it's so obvious even to people not directly involved. It's not the way to go, and I realised this habit of mine, the automatic reflex of avoiding the whole thing altogether, wishing either it's going to go away or a miracle happens. Either way, it's not salvaging anything. And I keep thinking to myself, am I at fault too?

Sometimes adults just don't act the way they ought to, I sincerely believe there's still a naive child in each of us, wishing we could be baby-fed and coddled.

Dining

2011-04-03T23:20:00.003+08:00

It's been more than 2 months since we've stepped into a fine dining restaurant. Tentalizing tastebuds gave in to the allure of food and having been to the Marina Bay Sands twice, I'd always wanted to try one of the celebrity chefs restaurants there. A pity, we checked out the whole list of A star restaurants, from CUT to Guy Savoy, all were literally food for the rich. A meal could easily set us back 200 per pax. However, a hidden gem Hide Yamamoto, was tucked in between the rows of Santi, Waku Ghin and Guy Savoy, and the price was slightly more reasonable. Oh, did I mention, the Casino Atrium 2 where the restaurants were located, gave a bird's eye view of the casino! It was a great view for those who 1) doesn't wanna pay $100 levy and 2) under 21 years old.

Before I digress, the gastronomic experience was refreshing because we took a break for quite a while from these foods. The most memorable dish of tonight was the Foie Gras. I didn't have a really good impression of goose liver because the last time I tried it at Orchard Central's Ochre's, it was quite watery and too raw for my liking. This time, I fell in love with it. Another dish which kept me going was the rack of lamb. Absolutely no "lamby" taste at all, with meat so succulent and grilled to a perfection.

Also, I ordered a sake selection that had 3 different kinds of cold sake with its aroma/sweetness/dryness/full-body variations. My favourite was the Junmai Dai Ginjo, with a full-body rating of 4/5, and 0/5 dryness. It doesn't fire up the nose as with the others and is a really smooth sake.

Just to clear a myth, parking at MBS is quite reasonable for such a fine place. We entered at around 7.30pm and left at 10.30pm and the fees was $6. Not too bad. It would have been the same rates for many carparks around CBD area with much older peeling walls and smaller lots available.

I'm satiated with such a good meal.

Just for info: http://www.marinabaysands.com/Restaurants/Hide_Yamamoto.aspx

OH, before I forget, the night scenery at MBS to the helix bridge and the artscience museum is simply captivating. Perfect place to date and let the breeze take all troubles away.

Credits

Nurture potential

2011-03-31T00:33:00.004+08:00

The greatest encouragement, I realised, doesn't come from just about anybody. Compliments might be rare in general while criticisms occur almost on a daily basis. I don't know if it's a form of motivation or the constant raising of the bar for me, I can't even remember the last time my mom said something nice about me. To think that the person who is the closest to me, is in fact, the greatest demoraliser if there is even such a word. Always nitpicking about little things, grousing just about everything, I am always under this label of a good for nothing.

First it was my A level results. True enough I'm disappointed with it, but I got over it and looked ahead. She has to tell the world how disappointed she is and how much I'm not up to her expectations. Then just recently with all the applications for universities, I'd wanted to include my work experience as well. So I had her read the recommendation letter written and commented by superiors I've worked with, just to give her an idea of the performance of my work and as a review of what colleagues thought of me. Instead of feeling proud of me, she took on an accusatory tone and questioned if I'm really as a good as the contents of the letter, if I could stand by it when questioned by interviewers if shortlisted. It was demoralising for a start in the amount of confidence she had in me, and the way she said it was as good as "you don't so ya ya papaya people say you like that only become proud". Perhaps she'd never knew me as being humble I believe.

I don't think it's incredulous for me to expect her to just break into a smile and at least say something encouraging because the letter is coming from a third party's point of view, and it's not merely biased opinions because more than 1 individual contributed to it. I really don't understand the point of bringing me down and questioning me like I'd crafted the thing to sell my soul to whatever Universities I've applied for.

It might have been these things accumulating, I seem to be making a mountain of a molehill now. While watching Secrets for Sale on channel U with her, after the supporting cast, Stanley, was exposed of his doings, she said "斯文败类!", and went on to point at me and say “你也是斯文败类的".

If it's merely a matter of insensitivity, I might be able to accept. I've been giving in, tolerating, not even saying anything defensive and simply remaining quiet, but it doesn't mean that I don't have any pride and i'm lying if I say it doesn't hurt me at all.

I had this conjecture that it might be the way all parents tend to behave to their children, because colleagues who are slightly reaching mid life and still don't have any children, have very different perspectives of dealing with matters and human emotions. Is it really such a changing process? Parents always say they want their child to succeed, but why when I shine, I get thrown back into dirt to start all over again?

Everybody always expects more, to break limits, to make breakthroughs. It's the art of kite-flying; letting go and reeling of the string at intervals to let it fly up high. It's not pulling the rubber band till it over-stretches and breaks.

Datelines

2011-03-23T00:28:00.003+08:00

There's a reason why deadlines are spelt like that instead of datelines right? Hahaha.

I've been so busy again recently. It's like PW submission deadline happening but a prolonged process. Fluttering around everywhere, multi-tasking like crazy and basically just going crazy till the point where I couldn't stand the photocopying machine's slowness(which technically is quite fast).

Everything has been about speed, accuracy and precision. I have mastered the art of pressing the calculator like a skilled accountant. I have learned the trade of dominating the workplace and giving instructions. Ha. It's funny how I was instructing my direct supervisor to do things on my behalf. And I am concerned with completing tasks right away. If I don't go crazy soon, I think people in the office would think I'm a mad dog rushing and rushing every day. Meeting projects DEADlines after DEADlines.

Good stressing experience right? Having calls every hour or so, chasing and chasing and chasing.

Now I have settled down with all the deadlines, it's time to start calling people to chase them for quotes.

Vicious cycle.

I'm just wondering when I will start getting sick of being so stressed up. And I simply love it so much and i'm not even being sarcastic, but when it's so crucially stressful, I am forever calm and telling them to stop hopping around like a ticking time bomb. Okay now I'm starting to sound a bit crazy. I am amazed at how I remain absolutely calm except that people may notice through my actions being twice or thrice faster when I'm actually stressed. Okay, I shall stop being narcissistic.

Scholarship

2011-03-20T01:09:00.004+08:00

I have had many things going smoothly for me for all the years in my life. Almost every practical driving lesson I had with various instructors gave me new insights to different requirements and expectations. One instructor which I particularly had the most lessons with loved to question me about academics related things. It was, in his perspective, helpful to gain some updated information about the education system as his children are slightly younger than me and would be going through the same path as me in time to come. One particular question he posed to me got me thinking. He asked if I had ever failed any national examination before, and I replied no. Then he knew about my job and how I got it due to relations. And he said something that struck me, "you really have everything going so smoothly for you in your life".

And since then, I've been thinking about it too. All through my schooling years, I've never been one of the brightest students or the average. I'm always floating somewhere in between the best and the good. Getting into recognised schools and always faring just above average.

I really have never had a setback before. Not a failure to deal with. Not even a crisis. Even though I might not be making it into those top courses, at least I'm still going into a recognised university. So pampered and sheltered in this life, I am merely hungry for knowledge.

The disaster in Japan seems so far away in my life, simply because I can't fathom it happening to me.

There has been so many things happening in the office. Changes and crises, politics and rumours. Humans are so difficult to handle. If I really had to trace all troubles to its root cause, it eventually leads to money. Money can never co-exist with humans. I don't know how it has made lives better, maybe physically more comfortable and convenient, but the quality of life has been going in the opposite direction. We are all quite absorbed in our own little world, always subconsciously thinking of other people's intentions and motives, especially negative ones, and jumping to conclusions on our own. The brain may have neurons to make these connections and associations very quickly, and it sure does have its down sides.

As I get older, I become more wary, more cautious of the world. The guard gets stronger and tougher to break. Trust is something so valuable. Like friendship, it requires years to build, but only a moment to destroy.

And for now, the largest incessant worry is the personal statement I need to write for NUS's scholarship application. An exceptional achievement that highlights my academic interests and intellectual capacity. Great. Any ideas, someone?

Post results

2011-03-06T17:00:00.002+08:00

All the waiting and anxiety has come to disappointing results. I am too much of a perfectionist. When my name wasn't flashed for any of the 3/4/5/6 distinctions, my heart skipped a beat and I just imagined the worst. Overcoming the disappointment took a mere half a day and thereafter I began searching for my options.

Now I can't decide between SMU's Business Management and NUS Business Administration. Technically I don't have much of choice to be torn between these two because I don't meet the cut off indicative grade profile of NUS's. I just can't wait to start school, wherever it may be.

It's going to be another long arduous wait for the acceptance letter next.

Life is indeed full of surprises. I get over things much too fast and am always looking forward to whatever the future might hold. Really glad to have such positivity.

It's a big burden off my shoulders now with the release of the A level results.

Next is Traffic Police test on 18th March!

Change is only constant

2011-02-27T23:30:00.009+08:00

My heart ached quite badly last night. I felt like crying, to make myself better, but I couldn't find a reason strong enough to let the tears fall naturally. I just felt all weird inside. I realised there are so many changes in my life since I started work.

There's no routine, or at least, not to my liking. I take effing forever to adapt to new changes and the transition process sucks. Now it's practically working and working, and on the weekends, I have absolutely nothing much to do. Friends have seemed like a completely lost idea except for the fact that Chanel is like my other soul who sticks around 24/7 whether it's physically or emotionally(seeing each other at work/off work/talking on the phone when we don't see each other).

I kinda hate the fact that my social life is gone. Friends from school? Friends from skating? It's been quite a small world for me, now the world has apparently vanished into thin air.
I appreciate the work experience I'm getting right now, but the other aspects of my life are literally crumbling in front of my eyes.

Having been single for so long, I don't even fancy being in love now. But sometimes seeing how some couples are so happily in love, makes me feel like I can be like that. But if we really considered all these, I confide in Chanel practically almost everything so we should really be on our way to making couple tees. Ha ha ha. Just like what we both agree on, the feeling is different. But we just enjoy the freedom of singlehood, of not reporting to someone our movement, of not being controlled by another person.

I want to make a change in the way I go to work. Being on time for work and leaving when I'm not required or when boss says it's ok to go is this perfect picture in my mind. The reality is that my mom goes to work real late, and I follow her so I end up being real late. And my boss is not happy that I'm late because my job scope requires me to be on time to complete tasks within working hours. And thereafter my job ends for this direct boss in the projects dept, I go on to help do little things here and there for my mom after my office hours. So technically I'm on average working way past the required 7.5 hours a day. It's killing me because we get home so late that I have insufficient rest to recharge for the next day for my proper job at the projects side. So much grouches.
And I was thinking even if I get my driving license by 18th march, it wouldn't change much if I drove myself to work at 930am and leave my mom back at home with no transport to work.
We need to work something out, and getting my mom to wake up to go work at 930am is like wishing for money to drop from the sky. Sigh.

I'm pretty confident results will be out on 4th march. Judgement day. All sorts of thoughts running through my mind, majority being the negative ones. It's because I have already got everything worked up with the concept that I'm aceing my A levels and not thinking of what's going to happen if it doesn't turn out that way. Maybe that's why i'm fretting.

There's so many different kinds of people in the work environment. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into my safe nest and trust everyone and allow them to take care of me like a little baby. But I know... it's time to grow up.

It sucks growing up. Responsibilities... I have to take them up some day. Gonna commit myself to contributing to the utility bills from the next month onwards which makes up $200 gone from my pay and a further cut because of CPF contribution. Not that I spend so much, it's about time to read up on financial planning as well. Adulthood is beckoning.

Time is just slipping by...
What I really miss like hell are nights out with mommy at fine dining places, less hard liquor(or none at all) and more time for myself to read books in bed all day. I haven't even start on clubbing yet, and I don't even want to begin anywhere.

Health risks and the very fact that I don't even enjoy all of these... why must I go through the teenage years? I just wanna sip cocktails and listen to jazz/classics/instrumental and splurge at nice dining places. It's the life of the late 30s/40s or maybe I shouldn't even go by age group. Everybody just have different interests and likings. Always admiring all the wrong sorts of people - married/out of the age range. And I happen to hear comments that I'm always scaring off guys my age. Destined to be single... which isn't much of a worry for now at least. Maternal instincts aren't kicking in because the thought of pregnancy and going into labour scares the shit out of me.

But the thought of living with my other half in a beautifully renovated house is just an amazing thought lingering in the mind. I want to design and live in a new house so badly...

The showflats in some new condo launches are really luxurious...and tempting me.
Everything in SG requires so much money... house+car, the 2 assets I can't live without. When will I achieve the financial independence to purchase these? Not any time soon, but the results will be the baby step to all of these, which makes me wonder, I'm just going to be like any other typical working executives out there slogging for such material pursuits. But it's also the very same things that give me that sense of satisfaction that's very important to me.

I'm thinking so far ahead... and tomorrow is just another working day, yet again. 5 creeping days... to results.

Experience

2011-02-25T01:30:00.005+08:00

It's hard not to blog about work when my life is surrounded by work.

I have gained a lot of new perspectives and lessons from stress management to work competence.

To understand that I have been paid to do the job requires me to not demand compliments and signs of appreciation when a job has been done. I personally take pride in all my tasks and achieve satisfaction in completing jobs properly.

I have been learning a lot on how to handle my emotions in order to work professionally. For my direct superior to be throwing millions of tasks on me, I have learnt the art of saying orh/ok even if it seemed like I'm going mad. Putting on a straight face, quietly typing furiously and rushing things out have been the norm.

Now I sound like I'm typing reflections on my work experience. Ha.
Well, I realise I do seek structure and routine in everything I do.

I still wonder what I will do... A level results is the turning point. But what's the options?
Results are coming sooooon. Real soon. This work experience has changed a lot of my perspectives as a person. The world is still out there, left untouched and unexplored. There's so much to do, so much to experience. I'm glad I've had the chance to widen my perspective and not see things so naively.

I seriously wondered how I managed to keep a relationship going in the past with such a childish temperament. Maybe I'm going to think this way as well two years later. Everyday we're all changing, how can anyone expect someone to stay the same forever? Change is really constant.

I've stopped the monotonous working like I have no life. Enriching it with reading from time to time keeps me from being clammed up and self absorbed, and soon, unaware of the world. I'm glad I've made a change.

And, there's something for myself to note. I made my first mistake at work yesterday and I realise owning up and taking responsibility for it actually made it a whole lot easier for myself to learn from it. And I just happen to read an article about striving for excellence:

"We all make mistakes but what is important is how we recognise those mistakes, correct them and move on."

A good night's sleep always creates a fresh clean slate for me to begin a new day the next morning. Troubles are forgotten, grudges are erased. Really living and let live...Why does it seem so easy for me and so difficult for others? I know the answer sometimes, it's because I have always been indifferent to everything. And I wonder if that's a good or bad thing.

To-do list

2011-02-06T16:55:00.004+08:00

Notice that I have this to-do list at the right side of my blog. It used to be a really long list and I've deleted everything that I've done so far. There's 3 things that are outstanding and dying to be completed.

Why doesn't schools need relief teachers on long term? Only on urgent basis! I need the money, but I need the leisure time to do things in the noon which working full time doesn't allow. How how how?

My final theory is coming on the 8th feb. I hope to be able to book my TP test date end march or early april. Having the licence is just what's lacking right now. Damn.

I've only completed 10 practicals so far and my instructors have already been advising me to stop taking lessons (don't waste the money) and wait for the test date.

Then it's gonna be the results. RESULTS.

Climbing team, skate club, studies. Can juggle!?

Really cannot wait to start Uni life. I miss studying. It's so much more fruitful and meaningful to me than wasting my time away when I'm not working. I'd really treasure the next phase of my school life because it's gonna be the last lap before i'm plunging into the corporate world, and that's not gonna be as fun anymore.

Night out

2011-02-02T02:52:00.006+08:00

Having the experience still fresh in my mind and with thoughts swirling throughout the night, I have to store it somewhere.

There are many lifestyles that we can choose to lead. I've trodden from the rags to riches. Well, not the extremes yet, but I've got a myriad to share. Tonight could be a new experience on another level.

With CNY approaching and the last day at work before the long break when company cease its operations for CNY, the whole of my department decided to chill at some sleazy place, see some 妹妹, drink some beer/liquor, smoke some cigarettes(for me it has rather been inhaling smoke and being a major 2nd hand smoker). Personally I don't enjoy clubbing, loud music, drinking to get drunk, and whatever that makes one wasted. But I'm very fine and cool with hanging out once in a while to enjoy the experience and see the world outside.

Seeing those China 妹妹 throwing themselves, talking so sweetly, coaxing the men and just basically making them happy made me think of how pitiful their lives are. I may be in no position to judge, but how happy can they be taking up such jobs? It's such a competitive world out there, whatever it takes to earn a living, I guess any way works. But it is also because men love how whiny women are, they are willing parties as well, providing jobs for these 陪酒妹.

风水轮流转. Men demand women, women supply themselves right? I just can't take it that women are treated simply as objects that money can buy. When a woman throws a tantrum, men just throw some money at them to shut them up. That's how it is for sub-standard women who can take it lying down.

Tonight might be my first and perhaps last of such an experience. Honestly, I have made a wrong choice tonight, but at least, I've learnt something out of this. It's a good learning experience. But I don't think I'd want to do it again.

My life's just ain't that kind. I just can't seem to find myself enjoying it. Maybe being a good girl is my forte. A steamboat dinner would have been nice, just don't rub in my face. This 小妹妹 might be making decisions that may not be the best, but they are good learning points.

At the end of the day, such men have allowed me to understand why the value of family is not present. Is it really natural that men must be satisfied by women and that they can't be contented with one? The amount of money for one drinking session could have well be spent on much better things that yield better investments. I don't see how when men 雕花 for girls and spending few hundreds on the flowers would churn any returns except a kind of happiness that doesn't last.

I'm still placing family of utmost importance. Good men out there, please don't disappoint.

I will not give up fighting for whatever it takes until I experience the true meaning of family; this 6 letter word that has been forsaken by a broken family and taken for granted by a perfectly happy one.

Thoughts

2011-01-30T16:54:00.009+08:00

Though it has seemed like I've barely worked, it's been close to 2 months now.

I've learnt a lot of things about the work environment, about management in terms of people and work and just about generally how co-workers function in the office. It's a totally different world from school and I've matured from this experience. Adults deal with things different, and they deal with it professionally.

In school, friends or school mates could quarrel over insignificant things and such matters do not get solved over time, but it merely becomes gossip and everyone becomes judgemental about the said party involved. That's school.

In work, it's a whole different world. Any unhappiness could be kept within or voiced out to the superior and it gets solved. There's always a solution to the problems and there's no hate involved. Working is very professional. Being angry with work and being angry with the person delegating the work are two very different things.

You can talk to your boss about the work and the unhappiness from not being able to handle the work, but you can't insult your boss for giving you such work because he has the right to.

That's something very valuable that I've learnt. Many a times in school, we do not differentiate the wrongdoings and actions from the people. We accuse the person and scold or say them by insulting their pride. We pick at the person's integrity but we don't pick out what he/she has exactly done wrong.

Being scolded for one's actions is fine, because that can be changed. But when someone's pride has been pricked, it's a different matter altogether. Hatred and grudges will appear because it's after all one's character being taken upon on.

Saying "your work is not up to standard" is vastly different from saying "you are so stupid you can't even do such simple work right".

The former is pinpointing at the standard of the work produced, but the latter is downright insulting the person.

At the end of the day, it still boils down to the ability to differentiate what someone is scolding us about. If we lump it all together that the person is scolding our character and insulting us, then we'll never learn how to do something better.

So the next time someone scolds you, ask yourself, is he/she scolding your wrongdoings or insulting you as a person? Differentiate it and act on it accordingly. It's okay to make mistakes, but it's not okay to get insulted.

Likewise, if you feel unhappy about something/someone, pick your words carefully.

Target the matter.

By targetting the person, he/she will only end up getting defensive and the message you're trying to convey will not reach him/her.

Trust me, it's easy to say and remind yourself about it. But when things involve emotions, anger particularly, words that hurt usually come out first.

So be calm before speaking.

Words that are said in a fit of anger are usually very hurtful and degrading and they do nothing but make matters worse.

Hereafter

2011-01-26T03:36:00.003+08:00

I haven't been in touch with books and such that provide me with the vast wealth of knowledge I want to gain in this life time. And when I hear the advertisement(yes I don't even have time for the TV that my only connection with the media is the radio which i intermittenly hear when I reach home and bathe and go to sleep for that half hour aside from the newspapers) about the movie Hereafter, I thought I ought to give it a shot. Finally a movie that would be thought-provoking.

It's sadly disappointing because of the lack of drama and plot and I had to entertain my mind by over-analysing little details. Inception still stands as one of the most mind-boggling movie to me. Movies ought to be a more exaggerated and dramatic to capture the audience attention right? It's merely mundane.

I have a very interesting maid story from young. As for now, I am maid-less. And I think I have grown up and adapted to a new phase of GROWING UP. It's automatically my responsiblity, or at least I take it upon myself to make sure the house is still liveable. Endless questions of why my brother can't help out fizzle away after a while because I realise it's a losing battle. Coming home way past midnight and rushing out in the morning for work would just leave piles of clothes unwashed. If only my brother realises that and helps out instead of spending half the day at home watching movies.

Am I really growing up too fast? I'm getting impatient because my elder brother still hasn't taken up the responsibility as a man in the household. When is his turn coming?
That question is merely rhetorical, because I know it's not any time soon and as for now, it's a good learning process to shoulder up and learn to be a wife in future(that is if I even can get married).

2011

2011-01-20T22:23:00.002+08:00

I've skipped this whole blog while sailing through into the new year. No new year resolutions, nothing at all. All because of work commitments and its mad working hours, plus having a workaholic mom in the office helps in the least bit because when I'm done with my work, I have to wait for her to be done. And when everyone's done more or less, it'll be way past midnight. My record for working is fourteen hours straight for lunch and dinner break only.

It's coming close to 2 months since I've started working. It's incredible how I have convinced myself to start earning money when I have barely finished my As. I started 2 weeks after As. Good job. Now that I've jumped in, I can't seem to find the way out. The reluctance to quit and bum around doing nothing. But then again, that would mean I have time to climb and skate. Looking at Gravical pictures and the results tempt me so much I wished I could just put everything down at work and say heck it let's climb for months and start training and getting back into shape and go Chiang Mai with the climbers. Why why why! I'm the kind of person who gets homesick really easily, especially when I'm overseas, and that includes being on a holiday. However, during the Batu Caves trip, I felt like a week was much too short and it went by all too fast.

When will I start climbing? I've been asking myself man.

And yoga. The membership is wasting itself. I need to get a life right? Working is equally valuable to me as well.

These 2 months working have opened my perspectives and thinking. Being 18 sure is a different thing. Not that I have tried clubbing as yet, I'm already quite turned off by it. You see, when it no longer becomes a privilege, it's just as normal as taking a stroll in the park. Smoking, clubbing, sex? All the vices? They are just regular things that are discussed without much thought. I don't deny that I've seen quite a bit, but it still doesn't change much of me.

I still enjoy being naive. And I still enjoy adults referring me as xiao mei mei.

It's another phase of life when the results are out and when University life starts.

I can't wait.

Climbing Journey

2010-12-25T15:06:00.003+08:00

I was going down the memory lane on Facebook, viewing my 1500+ photos there, reminiscing all those things that I've done, which seemed like so long ago.
I haven't really done a proper wrap up of my climbing journey in TJCCC, and this post is specially dedicated to it. My competitive climbing days started in JC 1 and I have never looked back since.

It all started with my very first competition in J1.

National Schools Sports Climbing Championships (NSSCC) @ Safra Yishun 2009

My very first official competition I had a podium finish, winning 3rd for A Div' Girls Difficulty category, and 1st for Speed Team which I proudly announce that my role was a clipper.

Thereafter I took part in Rockmasters at Singapore Poly which was a total disaster, I don't even remember finishing in what position, but it was my first bouldering comp. and I was glad to have been given the chance out of so many other girls.

Next competition was

Climb On 2009

And then it was our first overseas rock trip to Batu Caves, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It was then, I fell in love with natural rock. It upped my footwork skills so much, trusting on seemingly nothing to a non-climber.

Rock trip @ Batu Caves, KL, M'sia, 2009

After the end of 2009, TJCCC started the year with French School! It had a unique competition style, comprising of bouldering and difficulty climbs. Despite not getting a podium finish, I was rather satisfied with my difficulty climb as shown below, with the only exception of the speed that I was climbing at. My climb always get terminated when I'm so close to the top yet so far away from finishing it.

French School Climbing Competition @ French School 2010

To be accurate, or rather, to be honest, I can't remember French School came first or Bouldermania. But they all happened in the first 2 months of the year before our March Common Tests came. Bouldermania had been one of my easiest bouldering comp ever, with so many girls breezing through the 4 problems that we ended up with a superfinals.

Bouldermania @ NTU 2010

After Bouldermania, it was Gravical at SMU. This time the entire club took part. And it was one of my proudest moments as the Training Coordinator of the climbing club because out of 10 girls, 7 of us were promoted to the Intermediate Category. I've never felt prouder of the club than ever before.

Gravical @ SMU 2010

At Gravical, I finished off at 2nd place for the Novice Women category. And our school was the leading JC in the National Bouldering League for A division.

After Gravical, we took part in Boulderactive organised by NUS as a club again.

It was my first bouldering competition where I took part in the Intermediate category and I missed the Inter finals by a spot. It was an achievement for myself and I was satisfied with my performance as well despite that. As for the schools ranking, we still competed in the Novice category, and I don't even remember getting what position but a lot of our girls came in top 5 and that sustained our school's ranking as number 1.

Boulderactive @ Orchard Central 2010

NSSCC 2010 was pushed forward so it happened before half the year was gone. It was another moment for the whole club to be ever so proud again. The boys clinched best overall school, and both the boys and girls cleanly swept the top 3 positions for the Difficulty climbs. I came in 2nd for difficulty losing to my all respected Valerie who got 1st and she totally deserved it because her climbing skills have always been better than mine but her mental strength was not as well conditioned, and with this competition, it was really where a strong foundation was built. I felt proud for her making another jump in her climbing journey.

National Schools Sport Climbing Championships (NSSCC) @ Safra Yishun 2010

After NSSCC, our club organised Climb X at our very own school, inviting other JCs as well as tertiaries to take part. It was another milestone for me as I clinched my first Champion's medal in a climbing competition.

Joining me on the podium were Kris, Ash and Val. I've never felt like I was such a deserving TC, but at that moment, it occurred to me that my efforts had paid off seeing the club shine competition after competition.

The very last bouldering competition was Pumpfest organised by NTU. It was my 2nd time taking part in the Intermediate category, and boy was I owned by the routes. Made me realised that there was so much so much more to learn in climbing, so much more to advance and taught me never to be complacent. It was a good exposure despite the routesetter claiming it was too difficult a standard for the Inter girls.

Pumpfest @ City Square Mall 2010

With this last competition of the year before we officially step down for the pure madness of A levels and its mugging phase, TJC came out as the top JC in the National Bouldering League. So many achievements within a mere one and a half years, I was proud beyond words of TJCCC.

The only disappointment I ever had in this school is the fact that Climbing as a sport is never recognised in school nor at the national level. It hurts when we had our Sports Appreciation ceremony and the Climbing Club was never once mentioned with regards to our achievements.

The blood, sweat and tears that have we have toiled through, fighting for that last bit, reaching out for the last hold will all be deeply remembered by each of us. Experiences be it unique, it had indeed left a legacy in the climbing scene for our year. I have never excelled so far in a sport before, and I am no doubt still thankful to the school for having such amazing facilities and providing us with a loving teacher-in-charge and a dedicated coach.

My climbing journey in TJC has thus far ended.

I look forward to the next phase.

Climbing has shaped my life and given me a new found determination and confidence I never knew I had. The photos of me gritting my teeth and reaching out for the next hold are pasted on the wall in front of my desk while I study for the past months, reminding me of how studies, like climbing, require undying efforts and hardwork.

Philip's inspiring words to always focus on the process of climbing, taught me to really treasure the littlest things in life - that some time, many years later, we might not remember what positions we achieved or how many competitions we have taken part in, but we'll always remember the journey in each climb being special and unique and we ought to take pride in every thing we have ever done because it has helped shaped us for who we are today.

Just to add to the whole nostalgia - http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=406331750987

The climbing video that Calvin made, it sure did bring back many memories.

Busy?

2010-12-20T01:11:00.005+08:00

I was thinking about how when the new week starts and I'm going to be mad busy day and night with barely even time to read my papers so I decide to blog before this starts to rot. I'm so busy that I don't even have time replying SMSes, don't even have time doing hair treatments for my scalp(yes I promised myself I would do it regularly after As, and see I'm not doing it now that it's AFTER As), don't even have time to read books(yes I promised myself I would start reading Sigmund Freud's works and find my destiny), don't even have time for all my friends in the world.

Somebody out there, save me?

I need the ching ching so badly, because my savings account is drying up so badly. I'm sponsoring my own driving licence and right now I've already bombed about 1.5k. And I have barely enough for my meals and enjoyment.

Talk about the season of giving right? I've been so generous with my own meals that I just splurged an entire month's worth of allowance and more as well buying presents and etc etc.

And how great have I gone on this path of financial independence? I told my mom I would get my own Macbook Air with my own hard earned money to learn to really treasure my material items.

Good job girl.

Money's never enough. Psychology is a long road.

The safe path? The fastest money?

Business, Finance, Economics. Hot hot hot, not my interest. Not.

SIGHHHHHH.

Adulthood? Hell yeah.

FYI, prawning's fun. I kid you not. LOL.

Even if you tell me that you can get more than 20 prawns for my worth of $30, it's the thrill.

I found a new thing to indulge in and waste money. Fine, not waste money. Just less savings. Heeee.

Telok Kurau

2010-12-11T02:00:00.006+08:00

It's been years, not that long, but long enough to go back down the memory lane of the childhood days that were once the happiest times of my life. Weeks back during A levels or slightly before, we drove into Lor J Telok Kurau, the feelings that stirred upon me are beyond words. I couldn't decide if I felt nostalgia or plain sadness. The place somehow looked so much smaller than I had remembered. The art studio across the soccer field, the little lanes into the rows of houses; they all seemed much much smaller. The world's perspective from a child's eyes is hugely different now that I have reached another phase of my life.

Every single activity I once did remained vividly fresh in my mind, of playing with fire, of playing catching, of cycling, of skating, of climbing over my own main gate, of playing in the tub of water in the backyard, of playing soccer and getting rammed in the head/legs/hands by the ball roughly kicked by boys, of crying from being chased out from a bro's friend's place. It's endless. Those were my formative years, and I remember walking down the long stretch of road, taking in everything, storing it in my memory, making sure that I would remember this place forever, of how much I loved the area when I was so little.

Then I would get excited playing at the park, getting surprised and awe-struck by Adrian Pang and his kids playing as well. Swinging the highest possible swing till the chains rattle, screaming and yelling that it felt sooo good. Walking down the canal imagining huge crocodiles swimming in it, and fearing for dear life if I ever fell in while skating because of the slopes linking from all the Lorong whatever to the park connector.

I could go on describing all the seemingly mundane activities that were once the highlights of my childhood life. But a rude jerk stops me, because I know it's time to move on. I love the serenity of the place. It offers peace and quiet beyond any other areas that I have shifted to.

And now I am back on the hunt for properties again with resale flats having COVs skyrocketing. I wish... I really wish. I guess I can only let out a simple sigh, that I'll have to wait, when the next opportunity arrives. It's my dream to buy back the same property that had been my parents' first landed property. And I will work hard. But at what expense should I go to? Pursue my interest or pursue the money to achieve my dream?

It's one of those difficult defining moments, again.

I have been so caught up with too many activities, that I'm losing sense of my self, my sanity, my principles and my beliefs. It feels so good to clear up my thoughts that I'm losing interest in frivolous things too soon.

虽然身边有很多人围着，自己却觉得特别孤单特别寂寞.

P.S It's just one of those lonely emo nights, a sleep heals all wounds, superficially or permanently, it matters not.

Cruise

2010-12-09T11:57:00.006+08:00

On the 3rd Dec - 6th Dec I was missing in action from Singapore, as most loyal readers would know, I have been away on a cruise. Super impromptu holiday trip with mommy and her many years best friend and her best friend's sister with all their kids. Ok, they each brought a kid only. So there were a grand total of 2 kids. Wow.

In 18 years of my life, this is my virgin trip on a cruise that my mom kept thinking it would resemble Titanic. But no, it's not as grand as Titanic. But nevertheless, the food was great. Especially the dinners that consisted of my favourite kinds of western expensive food that would set one back about a hundred bucks back in SG. Full course of dinner consisting of appetiser, beverage, main course, dessert and tea/coffee.

Due to my amazing memory, I wanted to list the amazing food down, but I got stuck at the first 2 appetisers I had on the first night of dinner - lobster bisque and escargots. So we shall move on away from food. The cruise's highlights were the late night parties, I especially loved the rock n roll one. Classic hits that stay through the time like I Will Survive, YMCA etc etc, and gosh, the old fogeys there sure could dance very well. Contrasting it to the young punks at the club lounge on another night where the DJ was playing hits that are the in thing now, i.e. Only Girl, Club Can't Handle Me Right Now etc, the old fogeys looked sooooo much better on the dance floor. The young ones were just dancing like monkeys, I'm serious. Foolish looking and totally having the time of their life oblivious to the world with their antics.

I think the crew at Royal Carribean really have a thing for folding towels.

Every night when I went back to the hotel the room will be all ready for sleeping and all, and there, a little companion would be in the room waiting to be played with.

They used paper boats and colour it for the eyes. Totally scoring points for creativity. Hahaha

And this was my all time favourite! A doggy with my mom's sunglasses on it and sequins for eyes!

I climbed on the rock wall on the cruise ship too. Though it may be small, it got me aching for a couple of days till now. I did a mere 4 short climbs only. Says much about my fitness level eh!

And on the last day, I finally managed to wake up in time for the beautiful sunrise.

And oh yes, I passed my BTT already! Zooooom zooom.

Pamper

2010-12-09T01:36:00.006+08:00

Diapers.

Randomness.

I suddenly feel all girly and doing all the girl things that I thought I'd never waste money on. On prom day in the morning/noon, busied myself getting manicure + pedicure. And then treated myself to an expensive haircut and curling that costs $50 at Anthony Hair Boutique. That gets you 5 normal economical haircuts fyi. And I get a haircut once a year, so that means I just spent 5 years' worth of haircuts. Okay, stop laughing at my cheapo-ness.

Then bombed another $150 for the get-up for prom. So I kinda 'wasted' close to $200 and loads of time and my mom's and stress and what not, just for a special night.

If it's a memory of a lifetime, it's definitely worth it.

Everyone looked so different that I couldn't recognise. Make-up + beautiful evening dress sure does something to a person. In this world, 真的没有不美丽的女人，只有懒女人! The guys were amazingly hot as well. Presentable and all grown up, ready to face the next phase of life.

Yes, JC life has ended. Officially. Everything has finally ended. The mad studying, the mad climbing sessions, the mad late mornings that I've chalked up 3 detention classes. Amazing.

We've been on a crazy fast train, speeding through life. Eighteen years old. I've been waiting for this day for so long. It has finally come, and why do I still feel the same old same? Like nothing's changed, but I know everything has. People's changed, lives' changed, mindset's changed. But somehow, there's one thing constant about me - I have too many principles and I tend to make them up along the way and stand by them.

I used to think gloriously of how nice it would be to club, to drink, to do everything that's associated with having the same privileges adulthood brings along. But nothing's really that appealing anymore. I'll have to find something new to look forward to - growing old and getting someone old.

Pre-prom

2010-12-07T11:23:00.004+08:00

I have been missing out on quite a lot from this virtual world with an absence of close to a week. Surprisingly, I don't really miss my virtual life that much.

I have been taken on a new road of experiences during the cruise. Holidaying with adults and little kids with none my age can be quite tiring and lonely at times because I'm stuck in the middle of being an adult and playing with the kids and being the role model and being mature and fun-loving. It doesn't help that I'm getting a sense that little kids these days are spoilt beyond measure, it's simply scary. It's this fear building in me wondering about my future family/kids etc, what will it be like? Will the academia faze be over? Will the technology craze still survive?

It's killing real emotions and feelings and all the simplicities that were beautiful on its own.

I wonder if somewhere, someone out there, feels the same as I do that twitter/facebook/foursquare and the likes should have restricted access when one is outside away from home. It gets on my nerve that twitter and facebook updates come by every hour or so, lamenting about simply the most mundane things, that it makes the whole prospect of twittering/facebooking just pure boring because you're always reading off someone's toilet experience or movie queue experience or waiting for bus and being bored experience.

It's the point of being so connected in the virtual world, that real pure friendships are compromised with the web of tech mess interfering and interrupting conversational exchanges. As what HIMYM's Robin said, it's so hard to get the tone across when you're simply typing something off into the net. Misunderstandings arise, unnecessary misunderstandings as well.

Can't we give ourselves a break and stop multi-tasking all this while and just pay attention to the world outside and stop complaining about how boring it is because one is simply too caught up in one's own virtual world to notice the smell and sight of roses, literally.

And yes, I also mind people messaging blatantly 24/7 in front of me. It's pure rude. You're better off staying at home messaging than hanging out, really.

Heading to Narnia

2010-12-02T23:43:00.003+08:00

Through the painting, it's beckoning to me. The waters are seeping through right now, in about 24 hours more, I would have been totally submerged by the painting's water and be transported to the land of Narnia. Now, that's just an analogy of the whole cruise trip I'm going on tomorrow and for those who have watched Narnia already i.e. me. As usual, being annoying.

It's merely a short trip and I'll be back on the 6th Dec, so please don't fret. Don't send a party looking for me because I don't appear at dawn okay?

I've finished studying for Basic Theory Test in 1 hour from this e-learning service that CDC (ComfortDelgro Driving Centre) offers. And I read the book leisurely before this e-learning in 2 days. And I think I'm going to ace it. So await my good news.

Oh yeah, my BTT falls on 6th December too. So it's going to be soooooo exciting disembarking from the cruise ship and heading to the driving centre to take the test, not.

Then I'm still half deciding on doing something to my hair too. If not, I'll just do a mani+pedi and gear up for prom on 7th! Yes, gear up.

I'm STILL LOOKING FOR A CLUTCH TO BRING. Not the stupid clutch pedal from a manual car. Yes, if you can lend, I'll gladly borrow. Save the Earth.

Till then.

P.S anyway I miss you Nel. It's been much quieter these days without you. Please come back safely. The best gift to your loved ones is yourself.

Jacjac is back

2010-11-22T15:34:00.002+08:00

How much have you guys missed me while I have been away the past 2 weeks burying myself under books while surviving to finish paper after paper and closing the chapter on each part of my life in that particular subject?

This week there's only Econs and Lit left, and finally Physics MCQ next week! It's so fast.

I was just saying how christmas is arriving again!!! Goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Time waits for nobody, and it's not being kind again this year.

With a wedding on 1st dec, the cruise coming on 3rd dec, basic theory on the 6th and prom on the 7th! I think life after As sure is as busy as before. It's going to be hectic and stressful to prepare for these events as well. Finally I have the whole of December for a proper break before the mad practical lessons start in January. I've practically booked the whole month on every single weekday. Dying to get my driving licence!

Next would be shopping for clothes and macbook air - all these material pursuits which I have long forgotten since JC life started. And how can I ever forget climbing and skating? I will be some fit-ass chick having starved myself from exercise months back. Then hopefully Steve Jobs will release some news on the new Iphone 5 next year as well.

Life is gonna be as busy as it gets! And, it's all better than living it meaninglessly right?

Bloat Gloat

2010-11-06T22:30:00.004+08:00

I'm always stunned when I start a new post. Because I wonder what would make a good opening. And then when I start typing, it keeps going on and on like a river flow.

Aye, there ranting about nothing and I've started the post like that. Doesn't it seem strikingly like many of the choices that we make in life? We procrastinate and think and think again, but do nothing about it, so in the end there's no action taken at all, and nothing is done. In Physics this is called zero work done despite all the thinking. In life, it's called NATO. No Action Talk Only.

I was supposed to gloat about being bloated.

Despite it being so close to the very first paper of the monstrous A levels, I just had a very very fulfilling gastronomic experience over the public holiday and a wonderful Saturday. Yesterday's Deepavali (I typed and re-typed the word 4 times putting in double "L"s and "P"s because blogger keeps highlighting it red before I googled it and realised I've been typing the correct one all these while, lol) saw a huge huge crowd at ECP Jumbo Seafood. It was packed full house and the groups of people gathering outside with reservations were enough to scare. It reminds me of those long snake queues you sometimes see at the interchange with the newspaper stall vendors giving some free gift and loads of aunties and uncles queue up for it.

So yes, I have been long winded and extensively naggy about things unrelated to my main point. We decided to head to the nearby Red House Seafood Restaurant. I have been mad craving for prawns recently because APPARENTLY my lips have not been reacting to them anymore. HA!

We ordered Drunken prawns with Hua Diao Wine and herbs. I never get sick of this particular dish despite eating it from young. Then we had steamed Soon Hock, if you've been to Chinese weddings, it's a favourite fish for hoteliers to offer to couples in their wedding package. It's smooth, fresh and soft but tangy. I've been through a myriad of fishes with textures ranging from bouncy to stiff dry; this Soon Hock surely did not disappoint. And then we had Braised Spinach Tofu & Honshimeiji Mushroom topped with crisp conpoy. Now that was a mouthful. I think I can swallow the tofu faster than typing its name out. How can anyone go to East Coast with its entire stretch of restaurants boasting their signature Chilli Crabs and leave without eating it?

We ordered that with super good Man Tou. I love Man Tou especially when it's fresh out from the oil, i mean wok, crispy on the outside and tender inside.

The whole Chinese dining experience was peppered, okay that was an understatement, it was overloaded with the big nose Chanel's laughter, mad interest in their wait staff, and food accidents where chilli padi took a splash on the table. The crab eating process left her phone so dirty I told her she might as well just dip her phone into the sauce and eat it.

Fast forward to tonight's dinner, we went to Vivo and I realised that my world's view of dining places had been so limited to the East. Because i swear, Vivo has the largest range of restaurants to choose from. Next time I know where to go if I'm clueless. Heh. My brother recommended a Japanese Charcoal grill restaurant, Tajimaya, he has been raving about that place since months back because apparently it was nice but too expensive for him to keep going there with friends. Basically, any sucker for Wagyu beef would love this place. The marbling on the beef is so extensive

and the charcoal grill helped spread the wonderful smell of the beef. I love beef so much. It's my favourite meat ever. We had generous portions of different parts of the cow and some salmon and cod fish to complement the carnivorous diet. It's a smart concept of Tajimaya to simply serve up uncooked well marinated dishes to diners. So much for saving all the chef's effort in cooking it to the diner's tastes and preferences. In the cheapskate practical perspective of a typical Singaporean, one would just label the concept as damn 好赚 lor.

Ok that's it.

It's time to stop gloating about my dining experiences while I remain perfectly slim and skinny despite having not climbed/run/skated for months. Heh heh heh. I, surprisingly, still don't have a belly to show. No muffins. Nothing. See la, all those who keep calling me being too skinny for my own good. Many would die to be in my shoes. Eat with no exercise but yet still slim.

Okay, I have gloated enough. Time to weep in my little corner while I return to the devil books and you can have the last laugh.

Peeking from somewhere

2010-11-02T00:46:00.006+08:00

I have been so far away from my feelings and thoughts these weeks with studies overloading my mind. Moments of consciousness are spent worrying over productive & optimal usage of time for the As that I want while I'm too deep in my unconsciousness too worry about my inner emotional state. Blogging keeps me alive, internally.

There's so many things that has happened that I can't put my feelings into words.

For what's to come after As, and for the days during As - it's all the same to me. I don't exactly feel a sense of high fantasising about all the crazy things that I could do when I don't have to study anymore. And I'm actually considering how much I will actually miss studying because it gives me a sense of purpose and meaning in my life.

Between practicality and passion for Uni, I have half my mind made up.

I have a gut feeling that it will be the same when I do decide the course I want to take like it had been when I just blurted Class 3A when registering for driving. All those childhood thoughts of driving manual and mimicking the gear shifting sounds, I have went with my instinct and picked what I actually really wanted to do, despite negative comments from people saying I'm dumb/senseless/silly/stupid.

I always have Steve Job's speech in my mind "you will only see the dots connecting after that". I guess that's it right? I'm stabbing aimlessly in the dark, hoping to strike gold. It's contradicting when I tell people to not let emotions get the better of them, because I'm now letting my emotions control the decisions that I'm making which would affect the journey in my future.

Humans are just so irrational.

And that's why I'm ever so interested in the study of human's behaviour.

Two years back, I was thinking how nice it is to be in a JC when all students feel grown up. Forward that, now I'm looking forward to Uni where I'm placing undergrads on a pedestal and their lives as well as if it's so desirable. It's an endless cycle.

Envisioning a life of academic career. Jac will always be Jac, just that I've noticed I've gotten a whole load mellower these days.

It's hard to get in my bad books unless you're really that bad.

I love growing up, and watching my friends around me grow up too. The little quirks and silly things we all do once in a while. I can even picture us laughing about it when we're old and less naive.

We only live our lives once, there's many things that the eyes can ignore and the ears can choose to shut out, but never go down the road of anger. It's the worst emotional state that destroys relationships in an instant because one never meant to say things that hurt so much. I've conditioned myself to never fall for that. Because I don't need a second lesson to remind me how much anger does not help in any situation.

The next time you can't control it and feel like bursting into a rage, just shut yourself up and calm down. Think again, then speak. The bond built over the years isn't worth a moment of folly.

P.S I feel like a plane crash victim survivor, surviving to retell the story, and appreciating people around me, growing to love each one for who they really are, flaws or not. I wish I could break the barrier to express the love more.

IT

2010-10-23T14:41:00.001+08:00

Over the week and the last, I have been seeing how couples have been apparently on a date with their iphones and ipods and their lover as an add-on to the thrills of the iphone apps. It's grossly disgusting how IT is making people anti-social and living too much in virtual world, and when they go out on dates, they are bringing their virtual worlds along with them as well. The real relationship they share with real people is nothing compared to the live updates and feeds and they receive on their iphones and blackberry and endless mindless fun these gadgets provide. Sure, they entertain us when we're bored i.e. waiting for bus, being alone etc. It's fine.

It crosses the line when couples waiting for food at a dining place start pulling out their iphones and playing games while blatantly ignoring each other and the company they could have enjoyed.

The best I've yet seen is this couple whose girlfriend has her ears plugged completely with her ipod and eating while her boyfriend eats his own lonely meal with no one to talk to. It's mad.

Sleep the night away

2010-10-17T00:10:00.005+08:00

The worst sort of games to play are mind games.

They are uncontrollable and can easily get out of hand, because the mind is boundless.

The pleasure we derive from imaginations form in the mind is as much as the anguish formed from hurtful mind games.

Why do we love each other so much that we hurt each other as much too?

I thought I was as cold as a robot, but I'm actually feeling it and it's so raw to the nerve.

But it's ok, at least I can still feel.

There are no problems that cannot be solved. Use more understanding, spread more love - the world will be a better place. It hurts me so much to see the closest of friends fighting. This always reminds me of what Ruby said about all that happened - our problems are so minuscule compared to the world's problems. Children dying, children starving, and we're so engrossed with our little problems to see how much the world needs us more.

ALERT: MATURE CONTENT BELOW

2010-10-14T18:23:00.006+08:00

For a first, I actually had a good laugh about this article.

From Edenfantasys.com:

Stop with all the semen
December 31, 2009

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“No, really. You shouldn’t have.”
Yesterday I got this comment on my blog:

“Good post! Dude, a friend of mine has been trying to increase Ejaculation Volume. He tries semen volume pills to increase production, volume and flavor.”

My first thought was...

“Dear God, let this be spam.” My second thought was that this must be a joke because no one actually wants more semen. But then I went to the website and turns out that men are actually buying these pills because they want to “shock a woman with your enormous semen production”. Um…yeah. We don’t actually want that. I mean, I know it’s the thought that counts, but the thought that you are intentionally taking drugs so you can “drown your woman with bucket-loads of semen” is kind of making me want to throw up. Like, a lot. No one needs bucket-loads of semen, y’all. In fact, I can tell you that in all my years of hearing chicks complain about their men, not a single one has ever said “My man would be great if only he could just make moresemen.” You know why? Because none of us want more semen. For real. If anything, a little lesswould be nice. There’s a reason why no one wants to sleep in the wet spot, dude. Just stop it, already. You’re making it worse.

Things women would prefer instead having “bucket-loads of semen dumped on them”:

1. Flowers.
2. Jewelry.
3. For you to stop throwing rolled-up straw wrappers down our cleavage at restaurants.
4. Molten lava.
5. Pretty much anything.

If you really want to impress your girl, just do this:

Look her in the eyes like you’re seeing her for the first time, say “I bet you have no idea how beautiful you are”, kiss her in that way where your hands are on her face instead of her boobs, give her a smoldering look, lightly press your lips to her on the forehead while you inhale deeply. Then just walk away. Now go load the dishwasher.

That? Was like a billion times sexier than getting slimed by a barrel of semen.

You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Guys, if you aren't laughing, it's okay. At least you've just been made a little more aware of all those egoistical thoughts that you think was seriously, steamy hot.

P.S Please don't judge me or ask me why/how I came across this. Just enjoy.

The above article is a satirical work, not horny porno things guys read/see to masturbate to.

Broke my promise

2010-10-13T22:51:00.002+08:00

As obviously seen from this post, the desire to update is too overwhelming. I just checked my stat counter and saw a whopping 26 unique hits. Unbelievable. It usually fluctuates within the mid 10s.

Anyway, I think I have grown to really like Gretchen's videos a lot. Some are really easy to relate to and they are things that we can do right away to make a difference in the quality of our lives.

Yes, please - stop, gossiping.

I'm urging myself, and all the girls(especially) and guys to think twice before you open your mouth and utter mindlessly about something/someone.

We are all judgemental creatures. Just trying to be less of one.

Hiatus

2010-10-10T18:43:00.002+08:00

Sorry if you keep seeing this post title whenever you come to my blog.

I doubt I will have any time/inspiration to pour into this blog while busy with studies.

A month or two later I'll be back.

Just don't miss me too much.

Gastronomy

2010-10-03T00:26:00.011+08:00

I've been spoiling myself too much with respect to the mouth down to the anus. The gastronomic experiences that I've been having this month has upped my standards so much that I think casual dining (think F.I.S.H, Thai Express, Cafe Cartel etc) is not worth the price I'm paying for anymore.

It's either cheap hawker fare that fills the stomach or extravagantly expensive fine dining affair that takes a toll on the pockets of my mom.

Five.more.weeks.

It has zoomed past like the Maglev. Prelims are over. Results are partially out. Well, take results as evaluation/feedback to my current progress. There's so much more for me to study! I'm going mad studying and feel as if I've lost track of friends/life/time. But, I actually enjoy immersing myself in studying and deriving heaps of satisfaction after that.

I wonder how useless I'll feel after As when there's no more guilt ridden trips where I have to start studying, because there's no more studying to do, except laze around like a bum.

I need a makeover. I officially look like a horrendous aunty with disgusting hair that needs some major construction to be done. Off with the specs, fringe-less face...

Await the reborn Jac...

But only five weeks later. Till then. It'll be as short and sweet like a needle prick.

P.S How to do Neuroscience when I don't take Biology since... Sec 3? What a joke.

I have long forgotten what intimacy felt like, and the pain/hurt/disappointment that come with it.

Why don't I have longer hands so I can hug myself to sleep? Or give myself a full-body hug when I need one? Isn't it nice to be able to hug oneself? Heh. Cos that'll be full fledged intimacy without all the drama and pain that comes with it because ye know, love's temporal.